What is a “conscious” relationship? Frankly, it seems to be a made-up term, and one that has different meanings depending on who’s writing about it. Nonetheless, I like to use this concept in my personal and professional work.

Here’s my definition: A conscious relationship is one in which both parties strive to be present, kind, communicative, expressed, responsible, connected, and loving. This is the kind of relationship where you both own your shit, don’t brush difficult topics under the rug, and continually devote time, energy, and resources to the health and growth of your relationship.

Many of the components of this definition circle around meaningful, authentic, and productive communication and connection. If you’re curious to reflect on your current relationship, or a past one, through this lens, I’ve put together a list of 13 statements to reflect on.

Rank yourself and your relationship on the following items using a 1–10 scale, where 1 means you don’t have any of it in your relationship, and 10 means that you’re super proud of how strong that component feels for you and your partner. Try to keep an open and kind heart as you review this list of items:

1. We talk about important and heavy topics when needed, in a responsible and productive way.

2. I take responsibility for my mistakes and insecurities, instead of projecting them on my partner. I also genuinely apologize when relevant.

3. I allow my partner to make mistakes and work through their insecurities, and support them in their ongoing personal growth.

4. We are able to work through conflicts, support each other through tough times, and “fight fair.”

5. I know that I have a right to have sexual needs and desires, and can communicate them to my partner without shame or putting pressure on them.

6. I know how I most feel loved and nurtured. I articulate this to my partner who cares about filling my love tank.

7. I know how my partner feels most loved and nurtured, and I regularly do and say those things.

8. I take the time to ask meaningful questions (and follow-up questions) about what matters to my partner.

9. We are present with each other and listen to understand, instead of to respond.

10. We schedule quality time to learn, explore, grow, and enjoy each other.

11. I know and feel known by my partner, and they feel the same.

12. We have a high level of respect for each other and we demonstrate this when alone and with others.

13. We both want to do our part to make the world a better place.

Be kind to yourself if some of the components rank lower than you wish. Also allow space and understanding that you and your partner might have very different experiences of some of these statements.

Our lives and our relationships are always part of a journey. It can’t be any other way. The question is, how intentional do you want to be about this journey together? The more you focus on mindfulness, compassion, vulnerability, and authenticity — the underpinning concepts of this list — the more connected and joyous you’ll feel.

I suggest that you and your partner each go through this checklist at a minimum of once a month, as a continuing commitment to the health of your relationship. Choose a few items each month to focus on, and brainstorm on specific examples of ways each of you could work on it. For example, if you realize that you struggle to be present when listening and more often listen to respond, you could create a daily practice where your partner shares for five minutes about their day or what is important to them, and you just listen to understand. After they have finished sharing, ask a few questions to gain further clarity and understanding.

You may have other statements you’d like to add to this checklist, so feel free to discuss with your partner and do so. Remember to be kind to each other during this journey of ongoing growth and exploration. You are both doing the best that you can in each moment!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego — Keynote Speaker, Intimacy Coach, and Sociologist