“Notice where you’re resisting. See if you can soften in those areas,” the yoga teacher instructed.

We were in half-pigeon pose, during the last five minutes of a “Hot Power Yoga” class. For those uninitiated to yoga, what you most need to know about half-pigeon is that any hip tightness or injuries in that area of one’s body can be deeply painful in this position. And it’s a good position to practice surrendering – physically and emotionally surrendering.

As I tuned in to the areas in my groin, thighs, butt, and hips that were fighting the pose, I also reflected on the term “soften.” Soften. When can I soften? This isn’t a word that I use much in my own personal growth, or with my clients or audiences. I observed the pain in my hips and concentrated on relaxing my tense muscles, as thoughts of how the word “soften” resonated with my teachings, kept surfacing.

A close friend had recently commented, reflecting on me over the holidays and into the start of the new year, that I seemed “lighter.” This male friend and I get into deep and heated philosophical, personal, social, and political discussions in person and over text. He commented that my emotions and conversations were connected, vulnerable, and meaningful as usual, but also lighter. I had noticed it as well.

Through my yoga class reflections I realized that I had “softened” in the past month. This made me think of Brene Brown’s research and writing. In a recent podcast interview about vulnerability and authentic living, she spoke of having a “strong back, soft front, and wild heart.” Yes. I had maintained my strong back and continued to flame the fires of my wild heart, but had progressed in softening my front. Choosing to soften my front more – which meant removing the armor around my heart – felt empowering and connecting.

I started thinking about where else I could soften in 2020. And how it’s such a good word to use with clients who are struggling with resentments and reactivity with their partners. If they made the commitment to trying one month of softening, they might be able to stay more present and mindful in difficult conversations. They would still have their opinions and views and feelings, but instead of tightening in response to words or actions they don’t like, they could soften.

If this resonates as valuable to you, try this activity. Imagine you’re in a conversation with your partner, a close friend, or a relative. They bring up a topic that you are sensitive about, perhaps because of an insecurity you have or because this topic has been an ongoing source of frustration or friction between you two in the past. If you observed your bodily sensations in that moment, you might notice that your upper body stiffened, there was a tightening in your chest, and you were anticipating an argument. But what if once you noticed that, you chose to soften a bit. You could intentionally relax those areas of your body, as you slowed and softened your speech. Softening can be a path to personal and relationship growth because it creates space to break a reactive pattern. It feels better too.

Reflect on the topics or situations in which you stiffen, tighten, and react. What might be possible if you softened and relaxed a bit? How might your tone of voice and the content of your speech be healthier and more productive? Give it a shot and let me know how it goes!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Intimacy Speaker, Sociologist, & Sexologist