Why Couples Need to Have Date Nights!

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If intimacy or quality time are not happening on their own in your relationship, then you need to make them happen!

Two cool therapists in Phoenix interviewed me for this new podcast show, Mission: Date Night. We were so in alignment with our perspectives on intimacy, gender, relationships, and sex - it was a lovely conversation. I shared my perspectives on what I think are ingredients for an amazing relationship (can you guess?), how and why to create the opportunity for intimacy through date nights, and I even shared what I consider my perfect date (can you guess this one too??). You can listen to the podcast interview and discussion below:

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, National Public Speaker

How to Make Sex Resolutions that Stick for the New Year

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What's not working in your sex or intimate life? What makes you unhappy, disconnected, or unsatisfied? Start there, when you're brainstorming on you sexual intentions for the new year. The article link below through Shape Magazine has many ideas for the new year. I was interviewed for this article, and have lots of my suggestions sprinkled throughout. May your new year be filled with passion, fun, and connection. :)

 

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

3 Top Libido-Busters...and what to do about them: A love scientist’s guide

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This blog post is compliments of guest blogger Duana C. Welch, PhD!

Has your sexual get-up-and-go gotten up and gone? Low desire is women’s top self-reported sexual problem—and the toughest to treat. Here are three top libido busters, and what to do if this is you.

What a shame

Shame—the deep sense that something is wrong with us—is not our friend; it undermines our efforts in many areas of our lives. A key area is our sexuality. Are you embarrassed by your body, and worried about a partner’s acceptance of it? You can’t focus on your bra size and your pleasure!

Instead, notice shameful feelings as they arise, and redirect your thoughts to something more reality-based: “I’m feeling ashamed of my body, but my partner wants me—I am desired and desirable.”

Another aspect of shame is your sexual beliefs. Do you think sex is something “nice women” don’t (or shouldn’t) enjoy? Do you think your genitals are disgusting, something nobody should want to touch? Low desire is often related to beliefs taught to us by parents and society. Unfortunately, in our zeal to keep girls innocent, we often convey ideas that won’t serve them well as adults.

The way to address this is the same as for body shame: notice and redirect. “I’m feeling shame about wanting sex, but it’s normal, natural, and healthy for a grown woman to want and enjoy sexual connection. I deserve sexual pleasure.”

Ghosts from the past

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that rape and sexual abuse can dampen a woman’s desire for years after. Yet most women apparently move through these issues without therapy. That said, if you need help, make sure you get it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to help women overcome past abuses and get their groove back.  If you have insurance, choose a provider who offers it.

Partner problems

It’s been said that for women, everything our partner says and does is foreplay—and it’s true. Many women with low desire are having partner issues that include feeling low trust in, or low love and respect from, our mate.  If you and your partner need to get back on track with some great relationship skills, the top science-backed therapy is Gottman Method Couples Counseling. Whether you both attend, or you have to go it alone, you can find a therapist using this link.

There are many causes of low libido, and unfortunately, there’s no magic cure that deals with them all.  Ultimately, though, a little mental floss, and perhaps some therapy, can help deal with these top causes so you can get your groove back. 

[Duana C. Welch, PhD, is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, releasing on January 7, 2015; read more and get a free chapter here.]

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker

Overcoming "Female Sexual Dysfunction"

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There are a lot of women in America who struggle with some aspect of their sexuality. Nonetheless, I'm not a fan of the terminology "female sexual dysfunction." So the first step to "overcoming" this, is to let go of this pathologizing phrase. Women's sexual desire and experiences have a very broad range of "normal," so don't assume there's something dysfunctional going on.

Speaking about Female Sexual Dysfunction at the Women's Health Conversations Conference in Pittsburgh, PAWhen this terminology is used, it's generally referring to low sexual desire in women. In long term relationships, this is very common; so common, I would actually call it the norm. This is not problematic, in and of itself. Where it can be a concern, is if the woman misses her sexual feelings and desire, or if her partner is not feeling fulfilled sexually (which can then be related to not feeling loved or connected).

So if this is a concern of yours, what can you do about it? I think it's important to figure out the main factors at the heart of your low desire. Is everything else amazing in your relationship, but you just feel no drive? Then find out what does get your juices going, whether reading erotica, touching yourself, or fantasizing, and commit to doing that a few times a week to remind your body that you can feel desire.

Do you carry resentments towards your partner because you feel unloved or not nurtured? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and figure out how to ask for and get your needs met. Are you bored with sex and try to avoid it? Check out books like Getting the Sex You Want or Urban Tantra to reinvent your sexual landscape. Are you way too tired at the end of the day to even consider sex? Start scheduling "intimacy time" during mornings or weekend afternoons; just start with cuddling or Happy Naked Fun Time, and see what blossoms. Do you struggle like many women do, with thinking your body isn't attractive enough or perfect? Write a list of 20 things you love about your body and review that every day to retrain your brain towards appreciation.

Are you experiencing pain during sex? If so, it's no wonder you don't desire sex! Try to identify where the pain is located...is it deep inside? Then notice if certain times of the month and certain positions make a difference. Is it near the entrance? Perhaps a new thicker lubricant could help. Although there are some serious reasons why pain may be present (e.g., vaginismus), the most common reason is that the sexual interaction is moving along too quickly and your body hasn't had enough time to warm up and get blood flow and engorgement of your genitals. Women can take upwards of 20 minutes to be fully aroused, and that's even when you're enjoying what's going on! So ask your partner to slow things down.

And finally, are you giving yourself permission to be a fully sexual woman? Do you negatively judge a "very sexual woman"? Perhaps you're still carrying the heavy messages around being a "good girl" that you grew up with, and they are interfering with being present and having fun during sex. Write down all the traits that you think are part of enjoying sexual activity, and one by one start integrating them into your sexual interactions. You get to decide who you want to be as a sexual woman.

If you're experiencing low desire as a woman, you are definitely not alone! I hope this gives you a few new directions to consider in addressing this.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

How Can Costumes & Role Playing Improve Your Sex Life?

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~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

Does the thought of donning a wig and feather boa in the bedroom sound silly, sexy, or somewhere in between? Since we're in the Halloween spirit, this morning on San Diego Living I discussed how costumes and props can be used all year long to turn a stale, serious, or predictable sex life into one that oozes fun, surprise, permission, and creativity.

Divorce Attorney Interviews Me to Help Couples Avoid Divorce because of Lost Sex!

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I love this! Wendy Hernandez, a family and divorce attorney in Phoenix, AZ, interviewed me recently. So many couples who walk through her doors are there because somewhere along the way they lost their sexual intimacy. I share how common this is, gender differences, and ideas to get your sexy back...and avoid divorce!

(Check out the full page with the interview HERE, including Wendy's summary of our discussion topics.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker