Sex is fun…and complicated! While there are a lot of biological components of sexuality, there are also a lot of social, mental and emotional aspects. These often get in the way of enjoying the pleasures of our bodies and the potential for deep connections with others. As a Relationship and Intimacy Counselor, I receive many questions from women about their sex lives; below are five of the most common questions I receive.

1. Am I normal? Is what we’re doing normal?

These questions come from a fear of being judged or not feeling good enough. There may be sexual statistical averages around activities and frequency and tastes, but what really matters is what you like and don’t like, and the same for your partner. You could be perfectly “average” and “normal,” but still have a miserable sex life! Each individual and couple needs to create their own “normal” based on their preferences, needs and desires.

2. Why don’t I feel desire any more? How can I feel passion again?

It is really common for women in long-term relationships to lose their desire. Desire is a tricky thing that we tend to take for granted in the early stages of a relationship. But once those neurochemicals wear off, most women and couples don’t know what to do. The first step is to redefine desire from something that happens to you, to something that you can cultivate. What primes your pump? By this I mean, what can your partner do that helps you feel open to being sexual? Is it doing the dishes for you, massaging your shoulders, or having an eye-to-eye conversation? Focus on what makes you feel loved and nurtured and also makes your partner seem appealing. The second thing you can do is to take responsibility for your own desire. What puts you in the mood, such as reading erotica, fantasizing, or touching yourself? Do these things regularly to kick-start your libido.

3. How can I request my sexual needs without feeling embarrassed?

Read the rest of this blog that I wrote for the Softcup Blog HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

There are a lot of women in America who struggle with some aspect of their sexuality. Nonetheless, I'm not a fan of the terminology "female sexual dysfunction." So the first step to "overcoming" this, is to let go of this pathologizing phrase. Women's sexual desire and experiences have a very broad range of "normal," so don't assume there's something dysfunctional going on.

Speaking about Female Sexual Dysfunction at the Women's Health Conversations Conference in Pittsburgh, PAWhen this terminology is used, it's generally referring to low sexual desire in women. In long term relationships, this is very common; so common, I would actually call it the norm. This is not problematic, in and of itself. Where it can be a concern, is if the woman misses her sexual feelings and desire, or if her partner is not feeling fulfilled sexually (which can then be related to not feeling loved or connected).

So if this is a concern of yours, what can you do about it? I think it's important to figure out the main factors at the heart of your low desire. Is everything else amazing in your relationship, but you just feel no drive? Then find out what does get your juices going, whether reading erotica, touching yourself, or fantasizing, and commit to doing that a few times a week to remind your body that you can feel desire.

Do you carry resentments towards your partner because you feel unloved or not nurtured? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and figure out how to ask for and get your needs met. Are you bored with sex and try to avoid it? Check out books like Getting the Sex You Want or Urban Tantra to reinvent your sexual landscape. Are you way too tired at the end of the day to even consider sex? Start scheduling "intimacy time" during mornings or weekend afternoons; just start with cuddling or Happy Naked Fun Time, and see what blossoms. Do you struggle like many women do, with thinking your body isn't attractive enough or perfect? Write a list of 20 things you love about your body and review that every day to retrain your brain towards appreciation.

Are you experiencing pain during sex? If so, it's no wonder you don't desire sex! Try to identify where the pain is located...is it deep inside? Then notice if certain times of the month and certain positions make a difference. Is it near the entrance? Perhaps a new thicker lubricant could help. Although there are some serious reasons why pain may be present (e.g., vaginismus), the most common reason is that the sexual interaction is moving along too quickly and your body hasn't had enough time to warm up and get blood flow and engorgement of your genitals. Women can take upwards of 20 minutes to be fully aroused, and that's even when you're enjoying what's going on! So ask your partner to slow things down.

And finally, are you giving yourself permission to be a fully sexual woman? Do you negatively judge a "very sexual woman"? Perhaps you're still carrying the heavy messages around being a "good girl" that you grew up with, and they are interfering with being present and having fun during sex. Write down all the traits that you think are part of enjoying sexual activity, and one by one start integrating them into your sexual interactions. You get to decide who you want to be as a sexual woman.

If you're experiencing low desire as a woman, you are definitely not alone! I hope this gives you a few new directions to consider in addressing this.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist