Why “What’s for dinner?” Can Hurt Your Relationship

Relationship researchers and counselors have long argued that how a couple fights is important to the stability of that relationship. But what about how a couple celebrates with each other? Psychology researcher Shelly Gable studied the impact of various responses of how a couple celebrates their successes. She found that their interaction style when sharing positive events was more predictive of the health of their relationship than how the couple handled conflicts.

The example conversation in the box above is borrowed from Martin Seligman’s positive psychology book Flourish. Can you find yourself in these conversations? Can you hear the voices of your parents? I think that many folks learn whether to be active/passive or constructive/destructive from the interaction styles of their parents. However, although you might have learned a certain reaction style or you believe that you “naturally” react in more passive or destructive ways, you can practice a new style. Ask yourself and your partner about the importance of supporting each other when something good has happened, and make a committment to practice new ways to be more mindful in these interactions. I also suggest that you observe these types of interactions in your family, friends, and coworkers, so you can feel for yourself the powerful difference being active and constructive makes.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Do you know HOW to be a good friend?

Are you the kind of friend, partner, or family member who others turn to, to share a story about how they felt ashamed? What I mean is, do you provide a sounding board of understanding and compassion when a loved one feels humilated, shamed, or embarrassed? Or does your reaction to their shame further accentuate their pain and discomfort? This can be a tough situation to know how to respond to properly, because we can feel very uncomfortable ourselves.

Consider this situation: a close friend or relationship partner calls to tell you about how their boss talked down to them during a meeting and they started crying. They tell you that they feel humilated by how their boss spoke to them in front of others and feel ashamed that they cried publicly. Brene Brown, in her wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection, writes about six ways that are NOT supportive responses. See if you find yourself in here:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there)....

3. The friend who needs you to the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" Or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be 'crazy' and make terrible choices: "You're exaggerating. It's wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you."

6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!"

Did you recogize yourself in any of these? Or did you think of a loved one with whom you shared a shameful story, only to have them respond in such a way that wasn't comforting? It's an act of courage when we share an embarrassing story, or when someone shares with us, but few of us learn how to provide a space of compassion and support. Brene Brown writes that speaking out about shameful experiences keeps them from growing and becoming even worse inside of us.

So what's the best way to respond? Listen deeply. Express empathy. Don't blame the person but also don't try to fix the situation. Make it clear that you are standing with them and let them talk. It may require heightened awareness to manage your response, but I believe it's worth the effort.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality & Relationship Speaker

5 Secrets to Real Intimacy

Dr. Jenn on San Diego Living this morning! (I apologize that the embedding function isn't working well for some unknown reason. View on the San Diego Living site if that works better.)

What is intimacy and why is it important in relationships? I discussed this on San Diego Living and offered 5 "secrets" to help you continue to connect deeply with your partner and honor your relationship.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

New Year: Change Your Relationship

From: http://www.salon.com/2012/01/04/the_sexual_resolution/It’s a few weeks into the new year – have your resolutions already fallen by the wayside? Did you swear off fatty foods, cigarettes, and excessive drinking, or commit yourself to lose weight, eat healthier, and keep a budget, only to find yourself slipping into old habits? These are all worthy intentions for the new year, but I think a different approach, especially when applied to improving sex and relationships, can keep you on track this whole year long.

Choose one relationship or sexual improvement goal this year, and continually work towards developing that. For example, do you and your partner struggle when it comes to communication? If so, each month create a small plan about how you’re going to work on that. Perhaps you could start in January with each writing a list of your needs, irritations, and resentments and kindly discuss them with each other. Then in February you can each choose two needs and present a plan on how they could be better met in your relationship. Each month you can add on a new component or communication mode. There’s no right or wrong way to do this; just keep plugging along.

Of if your goal for the year is to learn more about your sexual pleasure, desire, and arousal, choose a different aspect of this to explore each month. You could start with reading through Amazon reviews on books about sexual pleasure, and find one that piques your interest. Next month you could take a class, have a vulnerable conversation with a friend, purchase a new sexual toy, try a lubricant, etc. Anything that builds towards your big picture goal of sexual pleasure knowledge.

One of the most important ways to stay true to your new year’s goals is to have a plan and review it regularly for sustainability and accountability. Set your phone alarm for every Sunday evening as a reminder to review your intention and reflect on whether you’ve taken steps towards or away from that. Then write down ideas for that week of how you’re going to take a step in the right direction. Intentions are a work in progress, so continue to identify what works and what doesn’t for you, and apply that feedback to create success.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Questions for Erotic Intelligence

Your erotic intelligence is your knowledge, wisdom, and comfort in the erotic arena. I offer 5 questions to get you started in developing erotic intelligence between you and your partner. Why? Because any growth in this area can bring you closer to your partner, make you happier, and more satisfied.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Coach

What is Your LOVE Language?

What does it take to fill your love tank? As cheesy as this terminology is, it’s actually a pretty appropriate way to check in with how loved, appreciated, and connected you feel in your relationship. Knowing your “love language” gives you insights into why you choose to be in an intimate relationship, how you like to interact, and what fills your love tank.

From: http://www.edenlifemag.com/2011/10/5-love-languages/Consider this scenario: A wife is upset that her husband doesn’t express his love and affection for her. She complains that he never says that he loves her or that he thinks she’s beautiful. He counters by explaining that of course he loves her, and his actions that day of washing her car and fixing their fence are clearly signs of that. She feels unloved. He feels unappreciated. Both feel frustrated.

A love language is how we can direct our actions and words to meet the deep emotional needs of our partner. Likewise, they can fulfill our needs and reasons for being in an intimate relationship, by speaking our love language. Which of the following ways do you prefer to receive love and attention from a partner? Is that the same way or different than you tend to give love and attention?

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

In the example above, the wife is asking for love through words of affirmation, and the husband is giving love through acts of service. Although they love each other, they are not connecting in their expressions of love. This is unfortunately a common state of affairs in long-term relationships.

To identify you and your partner’s love language, take this short Love Language test. What do you do with this information once you have it? Well, if you want love through quality time and your partner wants love through receiving gifts, take little steps each week to fulfill these needs. For example, you can make sure to bring home a thoughtful gift of appreciation, such as flowers or their favorite treat. Your partner could ensure you schedule quality time together, or make time to debrief at the end of each day. What happens when you and your partner start speaking each other’s love language? You feel romantic. You feel appreciated. You want to do small things to make your partner feel good. It’s an upward spiral of positivity and affection.

I am basing this information on a book by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages. He offers a poignant interpretation of love, and I have seen this book turn relationships around. Even if you’re not in a relationship, Chapman has written many versions of this book, for singles, teenagers, children, men, etc. If this at all resonates with you, do yourself a favor and read this book.

(This was originally posted as part of the Relationship & Sex Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Coach