More than 1/3 of adults in the United States are single.

What impact did the pandemic have on what single people are most looking for? And specifically, what factor do you think was stated to be the most desirable in a romantic partner?

Good sex? Because there was so much less physical contact and fewer sexual encounters during the pandemic?

Money? Because of the financial instability of quarantining, health concerns, lay-offs, supply chain issues, etc.?

Physical attractiveness? In 2020, 90% of singles identified good looks as something they wanted in a long-term partner…but do they feel the same way now?

What do singles most want in 2021? Match.com study reveals…

No. In 2021, sex was ranked as less important in a relationship than prior to the pandemic. Financial security has gained importance in 2021, as well as a partner’s education level, but that didn’t come out on top. And physical attractiveness was important to only 78% of this representative sample.

So what is most important? Emotional maturity. Yes, the thing that sounds least sexy but is truly (I think) the most important.

These are some of the factors that the Singles in America study (funded by Match.com) found that singles most want in their relationships: “…39% said that emotional maturity is, foremost, what they seek more of in a partner—ranking higher than honesty (37%), good communication (36%), kindness (36%) and financial stability (35%).”

Singles indicated that they most care about factors like someone they can trust and confide in, a relationship where they can communicate their wants and needs, and a partner who is open-minded and accepting of differences.

On Audible, I’m currently listening to Jill Bolte Taylor’s Whole Brain Living. If you’re not familiar with her name, years ago she wrote a book and gave a TED talk about how she had a stroke in her 30s and as a neuroanatomist was able to study and explore it as it happened (and then do the long, hard work of becoming healthy and whole-brained again). While I highly recommend this book, the reason I’m mentioning it here is because she speaks about how we are emotional beings who think (instead of thinking beings who experience emotions). This is how humans are wired -- as primarily emotional beings -- despite the denial or trivialization of this by swaths of our population (think traditional masculinity training in boys).

There is nothing like the insecurity, fear, instability, and loneliness of a pandemic to help us realize the importance of emotional connections and well-being and prioritize them.

The insecurity and loneliness for singles during 2020 and 2021 seems to be most reflected in the increased desire to find a partner who wants to get married. In 2019, 58% of singles indicated that they wanted this, but in 2021? This desire rose to 76% of the single population. That is a massive shift in current life goals in only two years. It clearly is a reaction to the pandemic and while it might just be a statistical blip, it will be interesting to watch. I expect 2022 to be a very big year for weddings.

Although this was not part of the study, I wonder how many single folks are intentionally working on their own emotional maturity. The study indicated that an increased number of singles are now better at prioritizing their mental health, relaxing, sleep, and disconnecting from social media. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are doing the uncomfortable personal growth work on important relationship factors like:

improving their emotional self-awareness
responsibility in owning their emotions, beliefs, and mistakes
communicating their needs effectively
apologizing when necessary
setting healthy boundaries in a compassionate way
practicing vulnerability
balancing self-compassion with compassion for others
regulating emotions and being responsive instead of reactive
mental agility and flexibility in situations

No one is perfect in all these things, as perfection is a myth and emotional maturity has endless layers of possible awareness and growth. But, as Adam Grant writes about in his book Think Again, we want to strive for the balance inherent in “confident humility.” We are humble enough to know that there is always more to learn and ways to grow, and confident enough in our abilities, our sense of self-worth, and our agency, that we can handle that ongoing learning and growing. Even when it’s uncomfortable and humbling.

And there’s nothing more uncomfortable and humbling than dating…if we allow it to be. But the more skills we have in the various aspects of emotional maturity, the more likely we are to find that in someone else.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Keynote Speaker, Sociologist, & Intimacy Coach