Imagine this:

You’re hooking up with a guy who you kind of like and are definitely attracted to. It seems like you’re headed towards sexual intercourse – which you want -- so you ask if he has a condom. You want to be safe, to prevent pregnancy or the potential spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or maybe both. He pulls one from his drawer, and although it’s dim in the room, you see him roll it down his penis.

He then turns you around on the bed for doggy style and enters you from behind. It’s fun and feels good…but after he cums and pulls out, you see that he’s not wearing a condom anymore. It had been thrown on the floor. And it is empty.

What just happened? And was it consensual sex or rape?

It’s called stealthing. And as of this month in California, it’s illegal.

What is stealthing? How common is it? And why is it now illegal in California?

How common is stealthing? It is a lot more common than most of us probably think. One study found that 12% of the surveyed young women had experienced stealthing. And in another study of 600 young men, almost 10% of them admitted to non-consensually removing a condom at least once. It’s also something that gay men are experiencing. (I found reference to these studies in this The Washington Post Op-Ed by Christine Emba.)

Why might a man do this? The primary reason is because he prefers the pleasurable feeling of sex without a condom. But it could also be motivated by a desire to feel powerful and in control.

Why is this sexual battery according to CA’s civil definition, and something that victims can sue for?

It’s sexual battery because that sexual activity was entered into only under the premises of wearing a condom, and therefore being highly protected from pregnancy and/or STIs.

In a way, it’s like agreeing to sexual intercourse in your vagina, but then the man puts his penis in your ass. You did not consent to that. And you very well did NOT want that.

As CA Assemblywoman Garcia stated, “This law is the first of its kind in the nation, but I urge other states to follow in California’s direction and make it clear that stealthing is not just immoral but illegal.”

Even when there isn’t a direct threat of violence, stealthing is scary, disrespectful, irresponsible, selfish, and a deep violation of trust with another human being. And it substantially increases the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STIs.

I work with college students and adults around consent, and I know all too well how the complexities of consent are misunderstood, and how coercion is oftentimes more the norm. I’m happy to see my (current) state take a stand and create a clear line when it comes to stealthing.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Communication Coach