How is this couple in San Diego altering their sex and dating life due to the coronavirus? (Photo by Eric Nopanen on Unsplash.)

Part #3 - “I feel guilty visiting my boyfriend on weekends.”

I had the pleasure of interviewing a couple, both in their mid-30s, about how the coronavirus crisis has altered their dating situation.

They’ve been together for a little over two years in a monogamous relationship. He lives in San Diego and has partial custody of his two children who are under aged 7. She has a home in the mountains a few hours from San Diego, and at the start of their relationship, they lived a few hours apart, but she now also has a condo in San Diego.

He is an engineer and working from home for now. She runs her own marketing company, now from home, and although it’s been stressful financially for her clients due to changes in the stock market, she is stable financially, and many of her employees were already working remotely.

Dr. Jenn: What are your current dating circumstances?

Rachel: From Monday to Friday, I work from the mountains. I’m feeling guilty about traveling to visit my boyfriend on weekends in San Diego. But I don’t know how long this will go on for, and being totally isolated and alone is not healthy. So, I have been coming down every weekend to stay with him when he doesn’t have his kids.

If I thought this was all short term, I wouldn’t do this, but I think this could go on for a long time. We could end up in a full lockdown, so I want to take advantage of still being able to see him now. We’re being as safe as we can. I stay alone all week, drive straight to him, and then we don’t go anywhere all weekend.

Dr. Jenn: What are each of your biggest concerns around coronavirus, personally and socially?

Michael: My father is over 60 and immunocompromised, so there’s a higher chance of him dying [if he caught the coronavirus]. Usually I would visit my parents with my kids on some weekends, but now my parents don’t get to see their grandkids, and I don’t get to see my parents.

My one child has asthma, so I worry about that. Their mom has likely been exposed because she’s [in the health field and] testing adults for coronavirus.

Rachel: I’m pretty much a social dead-end; I go to one grocery store one time a week. My concern is catching it and putting a strain on the medical system, and the guilt of having burdened others for my selfishness in wanting to see my boyfriend on the weekends. I don’t know if am being irresponsible.

Dr. Jenn: What has been the emotional impact on you? As well as physical and sexual?

Michael: I have two little kids, and I have to educate them during the week because my ex-wife is a health care worker. So I’m not getting much work done, and I feel like I do a shitty job of both teaching and work.

When I have the kids, I can’t even go for a run or exercise, so when Rachel comes to visit, I’ve been cooped up for days. But sexually, it’s more frequent when we’re together, although we see each other less.

Emotionally I feel like if I didn’t have to be my kids’ teacher, it wouldn’t be so bad. I have to educate and stimulate, and they’re too young to be left alone, so I have to do everything for them. As soon as I start work, I know they’re going to need something, so I just watch CNN to see when this whole thing will be over, and sometimes I don’t even start work because I know I’ll be interrupted.

In some ways this has brought Rachel and me emotionally closer together, because it puts a spotlight on what’s important and what’s not, even though it’s not the way you want it to come about. It has a way of framing what really matters.

Rachel: Overall, we’re doing pretty well. The hardest part is that he’s so worn out because of his kids. He looked like he had been hit by a truck. He’s so good at letting things roll off of him, though. He’s a solid guy, and he doesn’t let this affect our relationship in negative ways.

We have sex every day when we’re together, so together we’re having sex more often because I don’t know if it will be the last time we’re having sex, and every weekend could be the last weekend together.

We’re having to learn to be together and not doing something together. So we’re coexisting separately some. We’re playing video games separately. It hasn’t been a strain on our relationship…but I don’t know if it has brought us closer together either! [laughter] We’ve always been strong, so we’re okay.

Also, I have a lot of dreams of breaking up groups of people!

Michael: She’s a rule follower!

Rachel: Well, I think it’s just reality creeping into my dreams. It makes me sad when I see my Facebook memories of all the things I didn’t know we were taking for granted.

Dr. Jenn: What are you most grateful for in these difficult circumstances?

Rachel: I’m really grateful that my work continues so that I can employ others. I haven’t had to make any layoffs, and I feel really lucky that I can keep people employed, because otherwise my industry is being very impacted. My livelihood creates security and me feeling okay about life, so that’s the biggest thing for me.

Michael: I’m grateful for a good job and that I still get a paycheck and that they are understanding of the situation and the uncertainty of it. Oh yeah, and for Rachel!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Keynote Speaker, Sexologist, & Intimacy Coach