Part #5 - “We have a civic responsibility; it’s a litmus test to find out what kind of person someone is.”

(Go to BLOG to read the first four essays in this Sex in San Diego series.)

In dating, is how someone responds to the coronavirus pandemic a litmus test of their character?

I interviewed James on March 28 on the phone from his apartment in downtown San Diego. He’s a heterosexual man in his 40s who already worked from home, but usually travels a few times a month for work and has canceled those trips.

Dr. Jenn: What is your current dating/sex situation?

James: I met a woman online earlier this year, and we had our first date in mid-February. So we’ve been dating monogamously since then. We’ve been having sex for a few weeks.

Dr. Jenn: What are your concerns about the coronavirus, and how do dating and sex fit into this?

James: I live alone and I’ve been very conscientious about rarely going out in the public for the past couple of weeks. I have elderly neighbors and we share our laundry facilities, so I would feel terrible if I got one of them sick.

I’m only dating one person, and we’ve had conversations about how we’re handling this crisis personally and professionally. She’s also very conscientious and is working from home, and like me, only going out to go to the grocery store. We both discussed what our exposures and risks are, and have decided to continue our sexual relationship.

Dr. Jenn: In how much detail have you discussed each of your “prevention” tactics? Do you think a COVID-19 conversation is important to have now in dating?

James: It’s similar to the STI question – what’s your level of risk and level of responsibility? What are your practices and what are your habits and your decision-making? And then make decisions that way. It’s the same kind of trust I have to have in sex and dating always -- that she’s doing what she says she’s doing. She visits her older parents, and is very aware of her responsibility to not be a vector, just like I am with my neighbors. We understand our risk, and feel the same responsibility societally.

I think right now, especially, it is as important as conversations about STIs. We are probably healthy enough we’d be ok if we got it, but the social implications? We have a civic responsibility to others, and it’s actually an interesting litmus test now to find out what kind of person someone is. By having conversations like this with someone, you’re getting insights into their beliefs and their character and their worldviews.

Dr. Jenn: Has this changed the kinds of dating activities you do, or the sexual activities you do?

James: No, because I don’t like to date more than one person at a time if I find someone I like.

My practices are monogamous as soon as both of us want that.

Dr. Jenn: Does sex or emotional connection feel more important to you now?

James: No. It’s funny, because I have a really nice emotional and physical connection with this woman. But if I didn’t have someone and was alone and not dating, I would probably feel acutely alone, especially being an extrovert like I am. So it seems normal to me, but I think without it I would be suffering significantly more than usual. So… yes?

Dr. Jenn: What are you most grateful for in dating and in these current crisis circumstances?

James: In dating, that I have someone I care for and can spend time with. I see other people who are suffering, especially extroverted people and touchy-feely people – this [social isolation] is our nightmare. I am not taking it for granted, and am appreciating what I have.

In general, I’ll be honest… I’m grateful that I’m still working and have cash money. So many things in my life aren’t as weighty as many other people who have things they have to worry about. I have one new thing to add to my list of worries -- COVID-19 -- but otherwise, I’m ok and incredibly grateful that my industry is making allowances for us to do more remote work.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Keynote Speaker, Sexologist, & Intimacy Coach