Buy Empowerment for Girls & Young Women this Holiday

I am not much into fashion. I wouldn’t know a ______ from a ______. (That’s how much I don’t know about fashion – I couldn’t even think of something clever to fill in the blanks. Apparently I need to watch more Sex and the City). What I do know is that how we dress and present ourselves to the world is a way to create our identity, place, and status. Women and men both do this through their choice of fashion, although the emphasis on appearance is greater for women, from underwear to outerwear.

A recent spoof on Victoria’s Secret unveiled a desire that young women have for empowering sexual messages in fashion. For many years Victoria’s Secret has had a “PINK” line of underwear and clothes, with panties displaying slogans like “Sure Thing.” Last week, a women’s anti-rape group created a mock online store, called “Pink Loves Consent,” designed to encourage healthy body image and consent during sex. These panties, worn by models of all sizes, read, Respect, Consent is Sexy, and I Love My Body, among others. The spoof was so convincing, Victoria’s Secret and social media sites were flooded with messages of support and excitement.

Victoria’s Secret “PINK” line markets to younger women and college women. However, when we’re younger, our fashion choices can have an impact on our developing self-esteem and self-image. And narrow-minded messages for girls and young women aren’t just in the underwear realm, but in the outerwear realm with messages on shirts like:

Allergic to Algebra. Math is Hard. Porn Star in Training. I’m too Pretty to Do Homework so my Brother has to do it for Me. Who Needs Brains when you Have These?

Why aren’t we trying to build the confidence of our young women? Unfortunately the mock Victoria’s Secret line of empowering messages does not exist. But there is a new, family company out of Denver, CO, who is taking on this task as a result of a dad’s disgust with these degrading messages. Keira’s Kollection has created a line of tops with messages like:

Be confident. Be brainy. Intelligent. Athletic. Adventurous. Different. Strong is Beautiful.

Wouldn’t that be a nice message under the Christmas tree this year? If you’d like to break this cycle and purchase an article of clothing with an empowering message for a young girl in your life, check out Keira’s Kollection. On a side note, they haven’t tackled the underwear realm, and I don’t know if they will, but I’d be curious to see what kinds of messages would be appropriate yet encouraging to young women? “I Know How to Please Myself” perhaps?

Obviously I’m impressed with their line and support their cause, and when I told them I was going to mention them in a blog, they kindly offered a 10% discount to my readers and friends until Christmas (use the “DRJENN” promo code!). Research shows that girls’ self-esteem peaks at age 9. I say let’s be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

GiRL FeST San Diego Official Launch Party

GiRL FeSt has been holding educational anti-violence festivals in Hawaii since 2003, and now San Diego is lauching its own GiRL FeST movement. Through art, music, education, and community-building, this nonprofit is focused on changing peer culture. They create safe spaces to teach girls and young women about the power inside them, so they never have to be in disempowering situations.

I had tea with San Diego founder, Nikole Ryan, this past Friday, and was inspired by the big picture approach of this organization. I am pleased to be one of the speakers at this Friday's official launch party, amidst other speakers, comedians, musicians, spoken word performers, and artists. My topic is "3 Keys to Building Healthy Intimacy." If you want to learn more, celebrate the launch, or just be surrounded by movers and shakers, come out for the kick-off event!

Friday, January 13, 7pm start time - FREE

Artlab Studios: 3536 Adams Ave, San Diego, CA 92216

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

Feeling Like a Masturbation Tool for Men?

“In my sex life, I’ve just been a tool for men's masturbation.”

A woman in her mid-20s said this to me. She said that she and another female friend had realized this harsh reality about their sex lives. And they weren’t pleased with this realization.

What does this mean – “a masturbation tool for men”? To me it means being sexually passive. It means women not knowing and owning their sexuality. It may mean men acting out what they’ve watched in porn… and women feeling like they are only there for men’s pleasure. It sounds like it’s based on fear, embarrassment, performance-focus, and disconnect.

What it DOESN’T mean is good sex. And for the woman I spoke to, it doesn’t mean self-respect. This unfortunately isn’t a simple topic to tackle, as it involves many layers of socialization, gender roles, fear, shame, culture, religion, assumptions, and miscommunication. I think it is complicated for both women and men. 

What can you do if you find yourself in this passive “tool” role? Start by asking what you like or don’t like in sexual activity. If you don’t know, think about when you ever felt the most sexual excitement. Next, ask yourself why you have sex? Go beyond the obvious and consider more “uncomfortable” reasons, such as feeling validated, getting attention, obligation, or drunkenness.  Another young woman shared with me that the main reason she had sex was because it was easier than saying no. This is pretty heavy. Do you think that your reasons for sex match with the reasons that your partners wanted sex? There’s likely a mismatch here.

Finally, take a big picture approach to determining how to move forward through this “tool” role, to one with more pleasure and ownership. Consider each of the following five categories and how you’d like to grow in each, as connected to your sex life: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. Every week, choose a different category and commit to exploring what you’ve written down. The most important component in this process is compassion for yourself.  Walking through these steps doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you; it just means that you’re open to growing and embracing this valuable process.

Women Hooking Up: Is it Working for Them?

In this episode of "In the Den With Dr. Jenn," Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, puts on her sociology hat with her relationship counselor hat, and asks you to consider the motivations behind hook-ups.

SEXUAL FUN FACT
How are Germans, vodka, and tampons all connected?

Special Den SEX-TION
What's in a sex therapist's email box?

Old Style Sexy Dancing - My Foray into Burlesque

I was sitting cross-legged on the scuffed up floor of the YMCA in La Jolla, draped in my black feather boa. The dance instructor acknowledged our courage for attending a class like this. She recognized that we might feel nervous or intimidated. I was just curious to see what this 2-hour burlesque class would be like. I don't have dance experience. But I do have nerve.

You may not be familiar with burlesque. While its origins are in the music and parody of vaudeville, it's mostly now considered a "classier" form of striptease. Having recently watched a burlesque show in it's more current form, I was struck by the differences between stripping and burlesque. It felt confident, teasing, playful, and connected. Very subtle movements with a feather fan or boa were very seductive. In general the women were rounder and softer than we would see with strippers. This was an aspect of public "sexual expression" I wanted to learn about first hand!

Thank goodness I'm basically comfortable with trying new things and not feeling embarrassed. Because despite the dance instructor's early acknowledgment that we may feel awkward or intimidated, there was little consideration of that later. The class was in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday, with a large door open to passerby on the street. And some of the men who were attending the following salsa class were there early and watching. So much for my private exploration of sensual self-expression. As well, the majority of the class had extensive dance experience. Strike two in the comfort realm.

Nonetheless, after what felt like hours of sticking my butt out, flaunting my boa, and seductively shrugging my shoulders, I was actually enjoying the class and felt, dare I say, sexy. And confident. And enjoying in a different way how my body moved. It was tough to ooze sexiness and be fully present in my body when I was concentrating so hard on perfecting the new dance moves. So I had to let go of some of the idea of what it "should" look like and just flow with how my body moved. Although I was starting to feel sore muscles in unusual places, my body felt good and I was a bit giddy.

At the conclusion of 2 hours, ten of us danced in unison, the music carrying us forward, feather boas all over the floor. It felt so great to shimmy and shake with the short dance routine we had just learned that I barely cared that the class was now being videotaped. I'm assuming my "clandestine" foray into burlesque is somewhere in Facebook land :)

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Sexual Empowement - Buzz Words or Depth of Humanity?

At the Coed Coffee Chat discussion I facilitated last week, we discussed whether we thought “empowerment” was needed for people in the realm of sex and sexuality, and what the word means in this context. Although I was the only female present to make the discussing “coed,” I was very pleased with the variety of perspectives represented and sense of humor each participant brought to the table.

We started with what we thought sexual empowerment meant. Different themes emerged:

• Being in charge
• Loving yourself
• Safety and security
• Giving and receiving respect
• Recognizing choices and making healthy ones
• Having access to contraception
• Knowing what you want and voicing that
• Caring as much about your feelings and pleasures as your partner’s
• Breaking the norm

But this all begged the question – why are we discussing this unless we believe that women and men are “disempowered” around sex and sexuality? Is that the case or are we just getting wrapped up in pop psychology and new age buzz words?

We started discussing how scripted and performance-oriented sex can be, and defined through mainstream idealized media images, pornography, and assumptions around what it is to a “good” sexual male or sexual female. I think the “breaking the norm” definition of empowerment is so compelling, because this is where we realize that we have choices, can be open to expressing our needs, desires, and sexuality in new ways, and be truly present with the moment and/or our partner. It takes a lot of confidence and trust to be able to break norms around sexual behavior, because we can have so many insecurities and fears tied up in our ability to attract and perform and just to be liked. This gets to the core of our desires as humans for connection and is ripe for growth and exploration. It can be scary – but it can be damn empowering too.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego