I was recently asked this question by a university administrator, and since I think the variety of directions that a response can go are valuable to reflect on, I wanted to share it here.

Most common question that college students ask about sex.

What is a common question you've received from college students about sexuality that you think it's important to address/answer?

I tend to receive a lot of questions about orgasm, particularly from females asking for themselves and from folks who have a female partner. They ask how they know if they’ve had an orgasm, what to do to experience orgasm, and if there is something wrong with them if they don’t.

There are a lot of components to a question like this, and these are the kinds of truths I share to educate and reduce shame and self-judgment:

Many young women who don’t know if they’ve ever orgasmed hear, “You’ll know it when it happens.” But that’s not necessarily true. We are all wired differently and release neurochemicals differently. And you might be experiencing orgasms but need to train your body and mind to mindfully work together.

It is not uncommon for it to take a while for young women to learn and know their bodies, pleasure and orgasms included.

It’s OK if you don’t orgasm, as long as you are experiencing pleasure otherwise, and both of you DO care about your pleasure. Also, there are SO many pleasurable aspects to a sexual encounter, not just penetration. And for women who sleep with men, intercourse is the least likely path to orgasm.

If you’re able to experience orgasm through masturbation, it is helpful to touch yourself in those ways with a partner, even if it initially feels embarrassing (this is a good practice in vulnerability).

It is uncommon for females to experience orgasm in casual hookups.

There is a mainstream male version of sexuality that females get compared that can make them feel inadequate. But all bodies are wired differently, and even taking up to 45 minutes to orgasm could still be considered “normal” for a female.

Porn is for entertainment and titillation but is terrible education about female pleasure and orgasm.

It can take a while until sex starts to feel really good, and the more you’re comfortable with yourself and with the other person, the more pleasure there will be. It requires self-reflection, presence, and communication.

(Note: College students have A LOT of questions about sex and intimacy and A LOT of confusion. I am probably more likely to receive a question like this because of my specialty in female sexual empowerment.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Intimacy Speaker, and Sociologist