This month I turned 49.

Each decade or meaningful year has felt different.

• For 18 there was a surprise birthday party for me and another March baby, by our friends in high school.

• At 21 I had a full drink and shot for the first time (I was a late bloomer and “good girl”)…and was surprised that alcohol could taste good.

• For 25 I was actually excited to be able to get a rental car.

• At 30, however, I cried at midnight in the restaurant bathroom. At that time I was actively dating and going out at night dancing in clubs, and didn’t want to tell prospective dates that I was now in my 30s.

• At my 40th birthday bash in the back party room at a wine bar, I embraced the opportunity to use age as a reason to care less about insecurities. No more bullshit cares! I proclaimed.

Turning 48 stood out because we were still in the pandemic… with my public speaking career still derailed. And I was still lonely.

And now I’m at 49. Leading into this birthday, with 50 looming (and to all of you reading this and saying “age is just a number,” my aching joints and perimenopause have a few select words for you), I started questioning my life path, career choices, level of independence…and feeling discouraged. I do not usually question these things because I trust my intuition, unique choices, creativity, and perseverance. I have always had so much to be grateful for and have embraced that with deep appreciation. AND, the pandemic took a toll on my psyche (and my pocketbook).

At the start of this month I started noodling on an idea — a way to feel better about turning 49 — and talked through the idea with a few friends (thank you Jean, Becca, and Eric). It coalesced into a self-challenge: 50 Before 50 — My Year in Audacity.

For this to make sense, I need to backtrack first to early January of 1999, seated on floor cushions in an outdoor tented café in Cairo, drinking hibiscus tea. One of my closest friends in graduate school was from Egypt, so three of us sociology grad students traveled to visit her and her family during winter break.

I was 25 and we talking about 1999 and that year leading into the Millennium. We were journaling on ideas and goals for the new year, and as four single women, what we were all looking for in a man. The exercise had me reflecting on the way various fears and “good girl” ideologies were designing my life in a way that felt out of integrity with who I felt like inside. These girlfriends were a vital part of my coming of age. As a late bloomer, who grew up in a small town in PA (with gratefully a very happy childhood) I hadn’t experienced much “life” yet. But these girlfriends roll-modeled a maturity and worldly adventurous spirit that I admired. It challenged me.

I decided to use the impeding Millennium as a motivator to overcome fears and hang-ups I had around sex, driving, drinking, etc. I created my Millennium List. And it was a damn good year.

———

For at least the past 10 years, I’ve chosen a word at the start of each new year, as a way of setting an intention for where I wanted to focus my energy for that year. Sometimes it’s been more about personal growth and other times it’s been specific to my career path, and what kind of skills and “being” I want to bring to my work. If helpful to get more specific about what I want to cultivate in the year, I’ll break apart the word to have each letter represent it’s own word, to better represent the traits or skills I’m committing to.

For 2022, my word is “audacity.” I’m already more audacious than most, as someone who talks about sex for a living, frequently travels alone to other countries, and is making up my career path as I go. But I know there are situations and interactions where I can push myself more, ask for more, and choose adventure or self-care over frugality.

So I’m now in my 49th year and this year of audacity, with the added parameters of doing “50 Before 50.” This means 50 experiences or locations that are new, fun, interesting, or challenging. Regarding challenging, the challenge can be physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, or financial. I will be prioritizing time and resources to push myself, to appreciate life and what’s possible. Some will be big experiences (i.e., this is a much more extravagant list than it would have been if I wasn’t already hired for speaking events in Europe this May) or little experiences to challenge myself or treat myself. Some won’t make sense to others because they are my personal hurdles to overcome.

I also asked a number of friends for their ideas which culminated in the following list of potential experiences. Since this is my list, my life, and my rules, there will be no self-judgment whether I get these specific items checked off…but the goal of 50 “things” that are new, fun, interesting, or challenging is definite. So far I have 38 things…

1. Ziplining (ideally in a beautiful location)

2. 10-Day Silent Meditation Retreat

3. Work with clothing stylist

4. Spontaneous trip

5. Read banned books

6. Visit states I haven’t been to (Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, the Dakotas, Alaska)

7. Prepare for future unexpected happening (e.g., like the pandemic, through Urgent Optimists)

8. Learn about cryptocurrency and mining, etc., and be able to explain to others

9. Try stand-up comedy

10. Hike Cinque Terre

11. Hot air balloon festival in Albuquerque (or better yet, Turkey)

12. Visit Oaxaca, Mexico

13. Take Spanish classes for a few weeks in Mexico

14. Mountain movie festival

15. Paragliding in the Alps

16. Go birthday shopping for special Mexican Riviera dresses

17. Hiking between little Swiss villages

18. Visit Giverny (Monet’s painting location)

19. Start going to tantra/sensual/sexual parties again

20. Hike the coastal trail from Boca de Tomatlon, Mexico

21. Learn to play chess again

22. Get on national TV

23. Learn about the life of Toulouse-Lautrec

24. Monthly massages

25. Canyoneering in Zion National Park

26. Swim with dolphins/rays/turtles

27. Learn to skateboard

28. Speak to new populations around the world (with potentially very different cultures)

29. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity

30. Go to a professional women’s soccer game (San Diego has a team now!!!!)

31. Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (and back up)

32. Get quoted by the New York Times

33. Try an ice bath

34. Try a Via Ferrata

35. Watch an animal give birth

36. Create an audio storytelling series

37. See the Northern Lights

38. Invest in my business/career in new ways

I already checked off #16 and bought some beautiful dresses for a couples’ retreat I facilitated in Cancun a few days ago (photos included in this post). While that might not seem like a big deal to many, I tend to be pretty frugal when it comes to buying clothes or other material items. A birthday afternoon shopping spree in beach boutiques for classy resort and beach wear (with a stop for a glass of champagne in the midst) is a luxury I have never afforded myself.

As well, #28 is one I can check off, because the morning of my birthday I led a sex and intimacy virtual talk with a group of couples in Dubai. I will also continue to cultivate #28 this year with upcoming speaking travel. The sociologist in me is beyond thrilled by this challenge.

I’m definitely open to more ideas, especially as related to the kinds of things I’ve indicated as important or interesting to me on this list — let me know?

Thank you for joining me on my journey to 50.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Communication Coach