What do you need to feel safe in a relationship or when dating?

It’s impossible to be 100% safe with anyone or in this world, because to some extent safety is an illusion. There are far too many things out of control in any life, with some lives experiencing this much more than others.

That being said, knowing the context that helps cultivate our mental, emotional, and physical safety (as well as social, spiritual, and financial), can help us open up and explore deeper aspects of ourselves, new relationship possibilities, and more fulfilling sexual expression.

What do I need to feel safe? I was recently asked this question in a 10-week course on intimacy and sexuality called REVEALED, created and facilitated by my friend and colleague Dr. Juliana Hauser. I’m currently single and wrote the following list through the lens of what I most want/need in both early dating and long-term relationships:

Emotional maturity, kindness, awareness, clear communication, generous listening, emotional and mental stability, attunement, respect, not heavy drinker or regular drug user, sexual health awareness, genuine, acceptance, confidence, curiosity

After I wrote this list, I realized that whether my list is for safety in friendships, romance, or sexual connection, it’s almost entirely the same factors. I then wrote a list of the first people who came to mind in terms of having this level of safety and trust with, and those who I do not. I could viscerally feel a difference when thinking about those two different groups of people.

When I am in friendships and relationships where we both intentionally cultivate this level of safety, while still being authentic (i.e., messy and real) and fully present, we allow each other to drop into vulnerability and honesty in new ways. Which feels incredibly freeing — I can accept myself in new ways through their acceptance, and vice versa.

In the realm of sexual and serious emotional relationships, I’ve found this to be scary because it’s so raw and unprotected…and therefore so beautiful and meaningful with the right men. The more I do it, the easier it becomes, even when it’s still difficult.

What’s on your list of traits and context needed to feel safe? What helps you take your armor down with another person, and at the same time facilitates the dismantling of their armor? (I mention these hand-in-hand because I sometimes see a version of “safety” today that allows some to speak and silences others.) What helps you feel physically safe in terms of bodily autonomy and safety? What about emotional and mental safety? Or safety socially or spiritually?

Once you’ve made your list, it may be helpful to ask fourt questions:

1. How can I further cultivate these factors for myself through personal growth and emotional resilience?

2. Where can I be more confident with asking for and setting these safety boundaries?

3. Do I provide these factors for others and where is there room for growth?

4. Are there any ways that these safety needs keep me caged in and avoiding growth?

If you’re doing any aspect of this exercise it’s also important to be kind to yourself through the process. This is a space to dig deep through the lens of self-respect and self-compassion. You are not alone in wanting and needing safety. And you are not alone in deserving compassion.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Relationship Coach

Https://dr-juliana.com/revealed/