Dear Dr. Jenn - Alcohol is a Relationship Buzzkill

Dear Dr. Jenn~

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and usually get along really well. But recently when we’re out drinking, things get really ugly and we end up in huge fights. I know we love each other a lot, but is this a sign that we’re not compatible? What should we do?

Thanks,

Alcohol is a Relationship Buzzkill

http://www.faithfulforlife.com/how-to-kill-the-beast-in-your-marriage.htmlDear Alcohol Buzzkill,

This is a great question and a frequent problem I hear about in relationships. Alcohol is a double-edged sword—so much fun and a wonderful social lubricant, yet it can bring out the worst in us. I’m going to approach this question from three perspectives.

First, many assume that alcohol is a truth serum and what surfaces while under the influence reveals the “true self.” This is not necessarily true. The interaction between alcohol and the brain is much more complicated than that. So don’t presume that what is said while drunk reveals the truth and means you don’t love each other.

That being said, it is common to have unmet needs and unstated resentments in relationships. These can be triggered while drinking because people use the lowered inhibitions to speak their minds. Therefore, it’s important to create an ongoing safe space in your relationship to voice resentments. This needs to be done in a responsible way that doesn’t involve drinking or defensiveness.

Finally, an obvious and critical suggestion is to cut down on your alcohol consumption. Or at least have a glass of water every so often to slow yourself down. Since this is a known weakness in your relationship, change it or you might lose your boyfriend. If one or both of you become a real ass when drunk, then it’s time to grow up and own it. I think talking this through and making a few shifts in your relationship can ensure this doesn’t become an on-going problem.

Good luck,

Dr. Jenn

(This was originally posted as part of the Pacific San Diego Magazine's Love & Sex Blogger series.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

"Ask the Shrinks" - Dr. Jenn as Special Valentine's Guest on San Diego Fox 5

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Once a week, San Diego Fox 5 News hosts "Ask the Shrinks*," and today for Valentine's Day I was their sex therapist guest. I really enjoyed bantering with the two psychologists and addressing viewer questions about sex and relationships from multiple angles. This is Part 2 of our segment (I can't find Part 1 online). Don't miss when I mention one of my favorite activities for couples: Happy Naked Fun Time!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, & College Sexual Health Speaker

*Disclaimer: For the record, I am not officially a "shrink," because I'm a sociologist, not a psychologist!

Guest Blog for The Happiness Coach - Focus on What IS Working In Your Relationship

This was posted this week to The Happiness Coach's Blog:

One of the most significant conclusions from the positive psychology research is that other people matter to our happiness.  Anyone in a committed relationship knows well that our partner can have a HUGE effect on our emotions.  In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve asked my good friend, San Diego relationship and intimacy expert, Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, to be the guest writer for the newsletter this week.  She shares one of the best ways to bring more positivity into our primary relationship. – Eric Karpinski, The Happiness Coach

Complain. Bitch. Moan.

It is easy to complain when we have been in a relationship for a while. When dating, everything is new and exciting about our partner, and we are more likely to express our gratitude. However, in the long run, we often take for granted the positive aspects of the relationship. But before you start blaming yourself here, consider that this negativity bias is genetically influenced. As a survival mechanism, we are programmed, just like other animals, to notice what is wrong or not working. Unfortunately, this negativity bias can be a real drag in a relationship if you are on the receiving end of continuous complaints.

I suggest consciously making a shift from being in a relationship that is based on survival, to a relationship that is about thriving. Try focusing on what is working instead of what is not working. This is a strengths-based approach to perceiving your partner. When you consciously choose to see what is already strong and positive, you can break through your negativity bias and prime yourself for even more optimism. Choosing optimism is a much stronger foundation for the relationship to continue to grow and evolve.

A practical way to put this shift into action is to write a list of at least 20 things you appreciate about your partner. What are his/her strengths? Positive characteristics? What traits made you fall in love? Share your lists with each other, and post them in a place where you will see them often. Another way to integrate greater positivity into your relationship is to end each day with sharing two or three appreciations with your partner. What did he/she do that day that you appreciated? Did your partner nurture you? Spend quality time? Make you laugh? Take turns going first each night. If you find yourself continuing to struggle with negativity, every time you file a complaint, take on the challenge of also finding two ways to compliment your partner.

Making these activities a regular part of your interactions will infuse your relationship with a conscious positivity. Not only will this assist you both in recognizing each other’s strengths, it also makes you feel appreciated, and opens your hearts and brains to greater resiliency and creativity in the relationship. These are all key components to growing and thriving!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, & College Sexual Health Speaker

How to Understand Men - My Grumpy Husband: #147

Dr. Jenn invites Jonathan and Mara Hoover into the den, to discuss 6 things that tend to put men in a bad mood, and Mara's funny new book "My Grumpy Husband."

SEXUAL FUN FACT
What color do men find most sexy on women?

WHAT'S THAT SEX WORD MEAN?
Priapism

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, and College Sexual Health Speaker -- San Diego, CA

How Do Men Answer Tough Dating Questions? Sex Therapist Dr. Jenn on Fox 5 News

Have you been cheated on? What do you think about paying for meals? What about women who are dominant in the bedroom?

I was interviewed as a San Diego Sex Therapist on the Fox 5 Morning News last week, and this is Part 2 of the segment we did with seven bachelors (Part 1 is HERE). They handled themselves very well :) I was on the news promoting an event called Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex.

CLICK ON PHOTO TO VIEW VIDEO

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

Fox 5 News - Get in the Mysterious Minds of Men

CLICK ON PHOTO TO WATCH VIDEO.I was interviewed this morning on Fox 5 News, to promote the "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex" event I'm a part of next week. They had 7 eligible bachelors in the studio, and myself along with morning anchors Heather Ford and Raoul Martinez, asked them individual questions about dating, women, and attraction. I don't think these guys knew what they were getting themselves into, but they really did a great job answering the questions, and I had the opportunity to comment on their responses.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker