What insecurities do married women have with sex and intimacy, and their husbands?

Question #2: “Is there anything about sex or intimacy that you feel insecure about?”

This summer I’m conducting a Sex & Vulnerability online survey and at almost 200 respondents so far, the results are already incredibly interesting and thought-provoking.

Normally I would wait until I’ve closed the window on receiving any new survey responses, but since I’ve already been talking about some of the results on a Facebook live talk and on my Sex Talk with Clint & the Doc podcast, I figured I’d jump in and start sharing here too!

For this piece, I’m just looking at respondents who identified as married, straight women (but I’ll be breaking the survey down into other demographic categories later), and specifically how they answered the above question.

One of the most common responses around insecurity was about body image. For example:

“My ass. No matter how how hard I work out, it’s flat and flabby! I’ve never known it any other way.”
“I still feel the need to have my body look perfect, weight and muscle tone wise, even as I age.”

Unfortunately, negative body image – from hair, face, skin color, skin texture, and wrinkles, to weight, curves, breast appearance, and genital appearance – is pervasive for girls and women in our society. And it only gets tougher and more impossible with age. It can create insecurities and avoidance around sexual exploration and expression. And it just feels bad to carry around shame and negativity like that, about the only bodies we have.

Other women wrote about general overall insecurity about whether they are good lovers and interesting enough for their partners:

“My body. If I'm ‘doing it right’. I feel like other people are more experienced and know more and I'm more traditional and timid and boring. When women orgasm, do they actually cum, like men? How do I know if I'm being a good partner.”
“We have a great sex life, I can honestly say after 33 years of marriage it’s the best it’s ever been. My husband says it’s always great but sometimes I’m insecure that he won’t tell me what he likes and doesn’t like. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me? Or maybe it is to him? He cannot open up to me even after being together over 35 years. That’s my only insecurity.”

And there were some specific examples of the kinds of activities they’re not sure if they’re skilled in:

“I don’t know if im good at giving a hand job or blow Job.”
“Talking about what I want sexually and demanding sexy the way I want it. I’ve tried in the past and it just creates a worse sexually experience.”
“Yes - I think I am most insecure about my knowledge of the penis (I’m a woman) and the best ways to give pleasure.”

Sex education in our country is often inadequate, and when it comes specifically to pleasure, real connection, and communication, there is almost no good education or role modeling. Sadly, the most education most folks get around sexual pleasure is from porn…and that barely scratches the surface of the complexity of human sexual needs and interactions.

Another theme that surfaced was around the amount of sex, and changes in sex drive for women:

“Declining sex drive as I age - want to continue to enjoy that part of my life but also don't want to make it an end-all be-all, in other words also want to give myself freedom to enjoy as I do and not put pressure on myself that sex has to be an all the time until the day I die activity.”
“I am most insecure about disappointing my husband sexually. I think that stems from my family of origin. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and both have shared comments that sex (rather the lack of it) was a factor.”

Low sex drive is one of the most common complaints for women in long-term relationships, which means it’s very common. I write this because it is important for both partners to realize that she isn’t trying to be difficult or a gatekeeper, she generally doesn’t mean to reject you, and she isn’t broken. She’s just a “normal” woman in our society with “normal” desire changes. (And I’m not saying that there aren’t women in long-term relationships with high sex drives – there are, and I’ve worked with those women over the years. However, statistically, in heterosexual relationships, it tends to be a woman who loses her desire towards her partner over time.)

(If this topic resonates with you, check out my online Mastery of Desire video course for women.)

And there were other directions that the women took in their insecurity responses, such as:

“So many things! I’m in a m/f relationship, but would be interested in exploring sexual experiences with another woman, but i just don’t feel like I can. I don’t always feel comfortable asking for what I want depending on the partner/situation. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, but also need something different. It’s complex.”
“I'm very insecure about losing control. I think it's because of trust issues.”

I’m so impressed with the level of vulnerability that these women were willing to not only access but articulate with such beauty and authenticity. And I really appreciate that they were willing to share it with me!

I will write about all aspects of this survey in much greater detail this fall, but I hope this teaser has you thinking in more detail about these topics.

If you’re interested in taking this (completely anonymous!) 9-question survey yourself, here’s the link: Sex & Vulnerability Survey. I would love for your participation – thank you!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus - San Diego-based Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Communication Coach