Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
This week is a perfect time to reflect on the past year and start planning for 2014. You can specifically do this in the realms of sex, intimacy, and relationships. Below is part of an End of the Year newsletter that may assist in your celebrations and intentions. Click here to view the entire newsletter.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego -- Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist
His wife shakes her head back and forth with disbelief. “I’ve been telling you for five years that I’m not happy.”
“I didn’t know it was that serious,” he sighs.
Unfortunately, this exchange is not that unusual. I’ve seen it in my office more than once, and divorce statistics show that women are much more likely to initiate a divorce than men. When I’m counseling a couple with a deeply unhappy wife and a husband downplaying the seriousness of her concerns, I encourage the husband just to be empathetic. It can take a while for him to realize that her (or his) unhappiness is enough to bring down their marriage.
If you want to avoid a shock like this in your marriage, I suggest daily and weekly check-ins with your partner. While this structured approach to communication and connection might feel contrived at first, the initial awkwardness will pass. Over time, checking in can become a natural way of evaluating the health of your relationship.
DAILY CHECK-IN’S:
The intent of the daily check-in is to give each partner space to be heard and feel important about their day. Spend about five minutes each sharing any highs, lows, challenges, and successes from your day. After each person has shared, end the conversation by exchanging some words of appreciation about and for each other.
Talking about your day facilitates support by ensuring you’re aware of your partner’s struggles and celebrating their successes. The moments of gratitude help retrain your mind to look for the positive aspects of your relationship. Vary the kinds of things you appreciate from day to day: these can be observations about physical appearance, qualities, joyful moments, strengths, kind gestures, and feelings of love. Even if one of you is traveling, you can still maintain a routine of checking-in and sharing moments of gratitude together.
Now, if you’re thinking you don’t have time for this on a daily basis, stop and consider that. Are all of the other responsibilities, tasks, and activities you do throughout the day really more important than your marriage? Is your strong, healthy marriage critical to your happiness in life? Keep this big picture in mind as you read about weekly check-ins.
WEEKLY CHECK-IN’S:
Weekly check-ins are more in depth, and can focus specifically on whatever is important to your relationship. What are you struggling with or concerned about: communication, intimacy, happiness? If you find it difficult to measure concepts like happiness or to quantify how intimate you feel, use a ranking system from 1-10. For example, if clear communication has been a concern, keep a weekly log of how you each rank your communication for the preceding week, 1 meaning terrible and 10 meaning fabulous. Create a checklist of all relevant concepts and factors, and maintain an ongoing record of relationship statistics. This way, you can measure positive change and monitor for danger. This may sound like overkill or just plain nerdy, but I know some couples who thrive with this type of awareness.
Below I propose nine factors to consider in creating your weekly checklist. Some of these factors overlap, but each speaks to a different area for potential relationship problems. Weighing several factors at once can help you take an accurate pulse of your marriage.
1. Love (How loved did you feel?)
2. Intimacy (How strong was your emotional intimacy?)
3. Sexual Interaction (Did you experience enough sexual intimacy?)
4. Connection (Did you have an overall feeling of being on the same page with your partner?)
5. Communication (Did you communicate clearly as a couple?)
6. Respect (Did you feel respected in interactions with your partner?)
7. Teamwork (Did you feel like a team when planning and doing tasks?)
8. Nurturing (Did you feel cared for?)
9. Happiness (How much joy and happiness did you experience?)
The ground rules of the weekly check-in are to be open-minded, compassionate, and mindful. Also, agree ahead of time about the meaning of your scores. For example, a 5 isn’t comparable to a 50% grade on a test, indicating failure. It means that you felt average in that area—not great, but not bad either. Record your scores separately and then share them, one by one. Speak to what a 6 in intimacy means to you in the context of your week. Why wasn’t it a 3, and could it have been an 8? Be truthful yet kind, and take ownership that this is how YOU perceive your relationship. Recognize that your partner may perceive it in a different way. Indeed that’s the whole point—to voice these differences before they start breaking you apart.
It might seem surprising that a married couple living under the same roof could be so out of touch with each other’s happiness, but this happens more frequently than you’d expect. Daily and weekly check-ins have the potential to provide insights into your own motivations, learn what matters to your partner, and voice concerns in a timely manner. This is taking responsibility for the strength of your marriage.
(This was originally posted on The Good Men Project website, which you can view HERE.)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
(Note to Den reader: This article was specifically written for the male reader at The Good Men Project, a place for men to read, speak, and debate what it means to be a "good man" in the 21st Century.)
In my private practice with couples, I often translate female sex-speak to male sex-speak, particularly when a woman says, “I don’t want sex.” What does this mean to a man? And what are some possible reasons why the woman is saying that?
Despite the overlapping nature of our sexual needs and desires, men and women have different experiences of sex. Whether the differences are innate, socialized, or a combination of both, either way, ignoring these variations creates huge chasms in relationships. Women don’t mean to be vague or difficult, and they’re not trying to confuse men or set up for “failure.” Clear sexual communication is really hard for everyone and the vocabulary for it can feel like a foreign language. Below are five phrases many women often say, along with some interpretations. I offer one of many translations here to bridge this sexual gender gap.
What Men Fear
She’s not attracted to me anymore. I’m not desirable. I feel powerless, and it isn’t fair that this keeps happening. I resent her for playing the role of gatekeeper.
Translation
As cliché as this “excuse” is, there are many reasons why a woman might say this. It might have something to do with you or it may not! Desire requires a balance of increasing excitement and reducing inhibitions. Resentment, hurt feelings, feeling overwhelmed, and even bad breath can all increase inhibitions. In long-term relationships, women’s physiological horniness may decline, so it’s easy to not want sex because her body doesn’t crave it.
Sex may also be less of a priority for her because her needs for intimacy and connection are now being met in other ways. Her mind and body don’t kick in like yours do with a deep need for sexual connection. Having less desire may put her in the gatekeeper role, but that’s a role most women play with guilt not power.
So what can you do? Prime her pump! This means finding out specifically what makes her shut off her multi-tasking brain, and feel present in her body to receive pleasure through touch. What makes her feel safe and nurtured by you? Priming the pump could be a day-long process, so be up for the challenge. It gets easier the more you learn the nuances of this dance.
What Men Fear
I’m not doing a good job turning you on and pleasing you. I’m a terrible lover. If you don’t orgasm, you can’t enjoy sex.
Translation
Sometimes, even the perfect alignment of the sun, moon, and stars can’t get a woman to orgasm. Sometimes she’s just tired and can’t concentrate enough to orgasm. Physical factors could also be at play, like where she is in her menstrual/ovulation cycle and whether she’s going through menopause, the amount of rest she’s getting and the time of day of the intimacy involved. Even poor nutrition can have an effect on her sex drive. Additionally, emotional components like her stress level, priority distractions, and sense of safety, whether she’s feeling pressure from you and whether there’s relationship distress—all of those things can kill orgasms.
A really important insight for men into women is that pleasure does not necessarily equal orgasm. Clearly orgasm is pleasurable, but there are so many aspects of sex that are pleasurable, like skin-to-skin contact, emotional closeness, playfulness, and giving pleasure....
Read the next three translations and the entire article published at The Good Men Project here: Female Translation of "I Don't Want Sex."
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
The advice I offer in the interview below is good year round, but during the holdays we can get caught up in the stress and forget about the most important present of all -- slowing down and being present with our loved ones. I was interviewed on Channel 6 Wake Up San Diego this morning about some simple yet important ideas to connect more deeply. These ideas are all based in research around communication or connection.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego - Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
I am a new writer for the Relationships, Love + Sex section of the Good Men Project. The Good Men Project's tagline says it all: The conversation no one else is having. I like to think I have a lot of conversations with folks daily about things that don't usually get talked about. So I'm excited to bring my perspectives on sex, intimacy, relationships, gender, and power to the GMP table. Below is my first article with them published today:
It’s necessary to hurt your relationship partner. No, seriously. Think about it this way: it is inevitable that when you come together with another person with different experiences, expectations, beliefs, goals and needs, you will sometimes disagree and disappoint your partner. That can hurt both you and your partner emotionally. But sometimes, that’s necessary. For example, your partner wants to spend the afternoon shopping with you. You agree, although you’d rather poke your eye out with a sharp stick. On Friday night, you assume you’re hanging out with your partner, but then learn she chose to spend time with her friends instead. And the list goes on. These things may seem minor, but they add up over time if you don’t discuss them honestly because they are based on a false compromise.
Some men are afraid to hurt their female partners. I see this in my private practice all the time. Kids are often told by their dads: “don’t ever hurt a woman.” That’s great advice for raising men who respect women. And it’s great to acknowledge that many men do have the power to physically hurt women. Unfortunately, kids don’t have the brain development to grasp the nuanced meaning of social issues. Therefore, by adulthood, this well-intentioned guideline becomes a black and white principle for many men, even around complex emotional situations. If men want to talk about anything that could hurt their partner, they don’t. This is where real problems emerge.
When you don’t express your thoughts or opinions, bad shit starts to happen. Your unspoken truths turn into unspoken resentments. I’ve observed that when people have negative feelings and their feelings go ignored or unprocessed, people behave badly. So in the long run, your initial silence ends up hurting your partner even more. This silence is based partially on fear and guilt: fear of confrontation, fear of feeling horrible for hurting the woman you love, and the guilt over making her cry. That fear and guilt come from a noble and responsible belief system. But it’s imperative to recognize the difference between “small hurts” and “big hurts.” Small hurts, handled responsibly, can avoid big hurts.
Easier said than done though. Let’s say you disagree with your partner’s decision to discipline the kids, but keep your opinions to yourself and become passive aggressive with your resentment. Later on, when your partner is disappointed by your attitude or your lack of support, you avoid taking any responsibility at all, or even lash out because you didn’t feel like you had a choice. However, you did have a choice. You always do.
It all comes down to learning how to acknowledge and sit with the discomfort of hurting your partner. This means building resiliency, including establishing trust in yourself that you can handle your negative feelings, manage seeing disappointment in your partner, and know that you’ll still be loved. It means remembering that you are a good man. It means choosing to acknowledge your discomfort and staying present with it. This is resiliency.
Where do you feel the discomfort inside your body? Is it a gnawing in your gut? A sinking feeling in your stomach? An ache in your chest? Sometimes, clients describe a tightness in their throat when they are afraid to say something. These sensations are so uncomfortable. Most of us probably learned to run, numb or distract ourselves, withdrawing into video games or the Internet, alcohol or eating. Sometimes, we even lash out in anger. But staying present with the pain and facing the discomfort head-on allows for more conscious and authentic interactions that are critical for relationships to thrive.
It is natural, normal, and even healthy to have disagreements. This is all part of the negotiation required to merge two lives. When you choose to acknowledge and negotiate the small hurts honestly and responsibly, you live more from love than fear.
Conscious conversations like this one must include the participation of both partners. It is tough when it’s one-sided, and this could happen if you start speaking your truth in new ways. Over time though, you can model responsible communication and claim ownership of difficult emotions, co-building a relationship where both partners are resilient enough to handle disappointment and move on. If one or both of you lack the skills to communicate in this way, a counselor or therapist, or even a good relationship book, can offer you tools.
I’m reminded of my mother’s framed needlepoint that hung on our living room wall. It read, “A stitch in time saves nine.” The more adept you become at addressing small hurts, the less likely you will need to address the big ones later on.
(Image Credit: Flickr/-Rodrigo Vargas-)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Flirting through texting is a good thing - seriously. I don't think that technology today is interfering with all real communication, and flirting is a good example of something that can be facilitated and potentially enhanced through the media of texting. I spoke about the Dos and Don'ts of flirting through texting today, specifically for folks who are over 40 years old, on Channel 6's Wake Up San Diego. Check out the video posted below, and I've included some other thoughts below I didn't have time to articulate on the news.
I see 3 different categories of flirting through texting: Playful/teasing, romantic, and sexual. The playful version is like the teasing we did as teenagers by our lockers in high school (or was that just me?). For example, if your object of interest is reading poetry, make a cute jab about them "being a brooding poet," and include a winking emoticon so they know you're kidding. I just watched a young woman and man do this type of teasing bantering in a cafe recently. It was ridiculously transparent to the point of annoyance (to me, at least). But doing through texting, where no one else has to witness, is a good idea!
The romantic version of flirting through texting can be incredibly sweet, and the type of texts that girlfriends swoon over and share with friends. This is your chance to offer a genuine compliment - a funny memory from a recent date, a feature you love about them, or even a quote that expresses how your feel. Also, remembering to ask about something important about their day, such as a big meeting or their child's doctor appointment, can feel very nurturing on the receiving end.
And finally - sexting! This definitely gets the most attention and needs to be done with care. Two "don'ts" off the bat: Don't send naked photos and don't text late at night when drunk. I hear about frequent regrets in these areas. But DO plant the seeds for sexual banter, such as "I just got out of the shower," and let the intensity slowly build.
Don't use texting for long conversations better left to phone or email, but also don't write really short responses if you're interested in the other person and they are writing in more depth. In addition, if most of your relationship is unfolding via text and not in person, your date may not be willing to commit and you might want to move on. Do YOU have any flirting through texting lessons you learned the hard way?
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
