February 08, 2009

Deepen the Intimacy and Fun Communication with your Partner

February 08, 2009/ Jennifer Gunsaullus

This Wednesday, at Tango Wine Company in Little Italy (San Diego), I'm teaching a light and interactive couples workshop, just in time for Valentine's Day.

I will guide couples through fun exercises and enlightening discussion to deepen your intimacy, improve your authentic communication, and spark your connection.

Tips for increasing sensuality
Learn more about your sexual landscape (Did you know you had a sexual landscape?? :)
Sexual Fun Facts
Laughter and wine

Date: Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Time: 6:30 - 8:30pm
Price: $25 per couple
Place: Tango Wine, 2161 India Street, 92101

Each person will receive a complimentary glass of wine and snacks!

Contact Dr. Jenn to reserve you space at 858-880-5944 or Jennifer@drjennsden.com.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

December 21, 2008

Blocks to Intimacy and Sex --> Vulnerability?

December 21, 2008/ Jennifer Gunsaullus

Last night I hosted my monthly free Coed Coffee Chat. This month's topic was: What is Intimacy? How Can it be Improved?

I was really impressed with the depth of insights and sharing from the group of 12 women and men, most of whom had just met for the first time. As we made our initial round of introductions, we each stated why this topic piqued our interest. This sharing alone offered fascinating insights into the complicated and varied perceptions of the meaning of intimacy. For some, intimacy is something created with a partner who can be trusted with our fragile vulnerabilities. For others, intimacy is something that can be created with many people, from an intense eye gazing with a stranger, to a group of women supporting and loving one another. Is sex part of intimacy? Absolutely, if you want it to be. Sex can be a powerful pathway to intimacy and transcendence. But it is not necessary for intimacy.

Although we began the meeting with different understandings of what intimacy means, there seemed to be consensus that keys to true intimacy are open communication and a willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. Yes - vulnerability. Perhaps a terrifying word for some, yet the key to loving ourselves and allowing others in for blissful intimacy.

AND...I learned a new clever way to think about intimacy: In To Me You See. Cool!

*The photograph here is part of a fine art photography series of the sensual contours of the earth, Earth Erotica, by Heather Firth. She attended this month's discussion on Intimacy and shared her wisdom!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

November 10, 2008

Emotional Intelligence - Feelings vs. Thoughts

November 10, 2008/ Jennifer Gunsaullus

At the heart of the work I do with individuals and couples is exploring the depth of emotions through identifying them, articulating them, and owning them. Sometimes though, it’s tough for people to differentiate between what they are feeling and what they are thinking. For example, I asked a male married client what he was feeling when his wife continually asked him whether he had taken the dog for a walk. “I feel like she’s being a pain in my ass!” he responded.

When I gently pointed out that this was a thought and not a feeling, he did not understand the distinction I was making. I told him that a feeling is an emotion, which is often linked to thoughts, but that what we think mentally and what we feel emotionally can be experienced separately. I have found that for some people, it is difficult for them to know what they are feeling, even though they may be experiencing a strong reaction.

In such cases, I may offer options of potential feelings. I like Lucia Capacchione's nine “Families of Feelings,” to assist in this process. The nine families of feelings include: Happy, Sad, Angry, Afraid, Playful, Loving, Confused, Depressed, and Peaceful. So in the above example, the gentlemen may have been feeling agitated (Angry), hurt or discouraged (Sad), anxious (Afraid) and conflicted (Confused). Although I’m careful not to put words in people’s mouths, I’ve found that this can start to bridge the gap between mind and body, thoughts and emotions. This “emotional intelligence” allows us to understand ourselves better and therefore have more meaningful and joyful (Happy) relationships.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

October 29, 2008

Maintaining Stability & Passion Under Financial Strain - Interview on Fox 5 News

October 29, 2008/ Jennifer Gunsaullus

With all of the focus and fear around the economy, I don't want to add to the drama or scarcity perspectives. However, I was interviewed by Kristina Lee of San Diego Fox 5 News this morning (it will be aired on the 10pm news on Thursday, October 30) about how to keep money problems from negatively impacting a long-term relationship. I think this is a great question!

In times of financial strain, paying attention to and nurturing the health of our relationships is particularly important. When it comes down to it, our connections with other humans is fundamental to our well-being. However, money problems can lead to stress, and stress can lead to resentments, and stress AND resentments can reduce our sex drive and ability to be vulnerable and authentic.

What to do?
A B C ' S

A - Appreciation. Appreciate what you have already, financially and materially. This is a way to change your focus from scarcity to abundance. Also focus on your individual strengths, the strengths of your partner, and the strengths of your relationship, and express gratitude for this. This is an obvious yet powerful shift from negative to positive and is imperative for a strong foundation of security, stability, and love in your relationship.

B - Be Honest. Are you spending money and hiding it from your partner? If yes, check in with your motivations behind the spending. Are you an emotional spender? What needs are not being met and how do you use spending to fill that void? Also check in with how this dishonesty can be undermining your relationship. If your partner can't trust you financially, that is a huge burden of stress you're imposing on them, and your spending is likely causing stress for you as well.

C - Clear, Concise Communication. Schedule a meeting once a month with your partner to openly discuss your financial concerns (and financial successes, as well). Discuss your priorities, spending habits, needs, desires, and emotions. Be specific about what you are committed to in your finances. You can also use this structured time to check in with the health of your relationship overall and talk about these commitments.

S - Sex! Could you guess what the 'S' would stand for? I actually mean this to include the big picture around intimacy and sensuality. Are you looking for fun activities that don't cost much? Sex is free :) And how about other sensual activities? I think massage is the perfect activity for times like these between partners, whether feet, head, back, or full body. A massage: 1) is free; 2) reduces stress; 3) increases positive hormones; 4) improves sensual connection and intimacy; 5) allows you to prioritize your intimate relationship, even if just for a short time.

Do you have any other suggestions and ideas on this topic? Please comment here!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

September 27, 2008

"I'm so sorry - I may have given you an STD" - Online Sexual Health

September 27, 2008/ Jennifer Gunsaullus

I passed an interesting billboard driving into Pacific Beach the other day. It's for the online sexual health service InSpot.org. At InSpot.org you can notify by email people you've been sexually active with if you get diagnosed with an STD.

I like the idea. It's about taking responsibility for caring for the health of others you have been with, while also taking into account the stigma and embarrassment around discussing such topics. You can choose from one of six email postcards, and then fill in the online form. The postcards can be sent with your email address or anonymously. One thing I noticed is that in the drop-down menu to choose your STD, there are only choices of bacterial or parasitic infections, not viral. I'm wondering if they made this choice because of the difference in potential severity of the STDs, and that getting an email saying - "Hey, I just diagnosed with HIV. You might want to get it checked out" - might not be the best way to hear such news.

I'm curious whether it will actually be successful and impact communication around STDs, or if it will turn into late night drunken joke email postcards sent to friends. But for now, I think it's a valuable service.