Adam Grant’s Think Again as applied to sexual intimacy.

“Humility is often misunderstood. It’s not a matter of having low self-confidence. One of the Latin roots of humility means ‘from the earth.’ It’s about being grounded—recognizing that we’re flawed and fallible.

Confidence is a measure of how much you believe in yourself. Evidence shows that’s distinct from how much you believe in your methods. You can be confident in your ability to achieve a goal in the future while maintaining the humility to question whether you have the right tools in the present. That’s the sweet spot of confidence.”

Adam Grant, organizational psychologist and author, wrote this in his recently published book, Think Again. He’s primarily referring to leaders or in a work setting.

But do you think this concept or mental framework is only relevant and helpful regarding business leadership?

Think again. (hahaha, I couldn’t resist.)

Confident humility is totally relevant for sexual relationships. Many short-term and pretty much all long-term sexual relationships will have concerns. This could include mismatched desire levels, differing sexual needs, varying communication styles, lack of sexual skills, undeveloped communication skills, low emotional awareness, or an inability to responsibly and effectively work through difficulties as they arise.

Clearly, there are A LOT of concerns that are common yet problematic for cultivating optimal sex lives. (Side note, “good enough sex” can be good too! I’m just not focusing on that in this post.)

Let’s break down the two aspects of this mindset.

Confidence. In the realm of sex, emotional intimacy, and relationships, confidence is relevant when you want to express yourself openly, ask for your needs, negotiate for your needs, open a difficult dialogue, and ask uncomfortable questions. Trusting that you can learn new things requires confidence, as does believing in your self-worth and that you have value and add value. Feeling confidence in sex and relationships also means that you are resilient enough to work through difficult topics and uncomfortable situations.

Humility. In this context, it takes humility to know that there is always new information to learn—factually, personally, emotionally, etc. You need to be humble to be curious and open-minded, even around uncomfortable sexual or emotional topics. Practicing humility means you ask questions and don’t assume you already know the answers. And then you gently ask more follow-up questions to gain clarity. It’s also not being embarrassed by being wrong, or at least not allowing that embarrassment to derail you or stop you.

What might this look like in action?

Say, you sense a disconnection in your sexual intimacy and a hesitancy from your partner. So, in a non-sexual setting, you ask, “I don’t mean this to be out of the blue, but I’ve been wondering… Are you OK with our sex life? I’ve noticed we seem to be more distant recently.”

You are confident enough to face the concern head-on, even if the ensuing conversation is uncomfortable. And humble enough to know you can’t just guess or assume you know what’s actually going on.

Or, imagine you are in the middle of a sexual encounter and your partner is enjoying themselves and building towards orgasm, as apparent in their grunts and beads of sweat. But you feel pain in your genitals and it’s getting worse.

So you gently say, “I’m so sorry but can we pause and shift positions and just cuddle for a bit? I don’t want to interrupt you feeling so good, but I started feeling pain. So I want to stay connected to you and regroup.”

You are confident enough to put your needs first in that moment despite the potential emotional discomfort and disconnect. And humble enough to be kind and acknowledge that this could be disappointing for them.

When you’re facing any sort of relationship or sexual difficulty with your partner and want to talk about it, it’s really easy for the complexity of emotions and beliefs on both sides to interfere. And instead of working together through your problem, you end up feeling less connected and more distant.

The mental framing of confident humility for your sex life gives you a greater tolerance for conflict and discomfort, while still maintaining an open heart towards your partner. Give it a shot and see how this might make some valuable shifts in your intimacy!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — San Diego Intimacy Coach, Sociologist, & Speaker