Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
Do you allow yourself to "be with" negative emotions, or do you put on a strong front and plow through them? Dr. Jenn was interviewed by a Chicago journalist about this topic, as we head into spring.
Read the article by journalist Rachel Curtis at the Examiner.
Sex Coaching & Relationship Counseling in San Diego
In this Christmas episode of "In the Den with Dr. Jenn," Coach Karpo (Eric Karpinski) drops by to talk about the importance of optimism and being happy for better sex and relationships!
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Coach Karpo
http://coachkarpo.com/
THE DEN RECOMMEND
"Positivity" by Barbara Fredrickson
Complain. Bitch. Moan.
It’s easy to do this when we’ve been in a relationship for a while. We may take the positive things for granted and just expect them to be there. We are programed as animals to notice what is not working because this keeps our focus on survival. But how many of us just want to be surviving our relationships?
It feels a lot better to be focused on thriving. And when we focus on what’s working, it also gives us hope.
Try focusing on what is working instead of what is not working. This strengths-based approach lets you see what you’re already good at and realize that there is a lot of foundation to build on. Do an activity with your partner where you both choose several strengths (a minimum of three) that you have in life and/or in your relationship. Such strengths could include clear communicator, humor, honesty, creativity, or perseverance. Now think about how you can each expand your strengths to other areas that you may be struggling in. Often what works well in some areas will work well in others, if you can creatively expand it. Also, being positive instead of negative has been found in research to expand our capacity for inventive solutions. This is a powerful tool to break through feeling stuck in your relationship and move to thriving.
When counseling women and men, I often suggest journaling topics for homework. The topics are usually heavy or uncomfortable emotions, with questions to answer in a free-form writing assignment. Although some folks resist writing activities, I know that it can be a way to use stream of consciousness to tap into hidden beliefs and values. And the process can help get to the core of troubling emotional or behavioral patterns.
One of my specialties in couples counseling is facilitating between the different communication and emotional expression styles that women and men have. I just found the following discussion at About.com on Men's Health and the potential benefit of writing to specifically assist men in expressing emotions:
"A well known psychologist, James Pennebaker, has demonstrated that emotional expressions can benefit health by the simple device of keeping a diary. The diary provides a outlet for emotional expression and not only appears to have a positive emotional effect but improves immune function as well. In fact written emotional expression has been researched in terms of benefits to physical health, physiological functioning and daily living activities; in each case with positive findings. Could the simple act of keeping a diary be a useful compromise for men and bridge the gap between their inability to transmit, receive and manage emotional messages? (Source: adapted from Lee, C & Glynn Owens, R (2002) The Psychology of Men's Health. Open University Press.)"
I think writing a journal for one's own benefit is a powerful access to creativity and emotions. As well, I suggest writing letters to your partner if verbal expression of emotions is difficult for you. This is a great step towards strengthening your self expression and connection.
I received several emails and text messages from friends this year for Thanksgiving, referring to the holiday as a "Day of Gratitude." While this might not sound like much of a stretch from the word "Thanksgiving," I think the shift is a powerful one, especially when we shift further to appreciation.
Like most holidays in the United States, Thanksgiving has become commercialized and bastardized. The focus of the day often strays towards the overconsumption of food, meat, and alcohol, commiserating about annoying relatives, and zoning out in front of the television. Making a shift to calling it a "Day of Gratitude" opens our focus to expansive appreciation.
Stating what we're grateful for is a way to focus our thoughts on the positive in our life. I think that "appreciation" is the next step of actually feeling the gratitude - experiencing the expansion in our hearts when we cultivate appreciation. It lifts our spirits and helps us recognize how much beauty and joy is around us.
Try this short exercise: 1) Think about something you are very grateful for; 2) Place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and focus on the thoughts and feelings of why you appreciate that particular thing, what it provides for you, how it makes you feel, etc.; and 3) Breathe deeply into that feeling of appreciation and feel an expansion in your chest.
If you want to bring this practice to making positive shifts in your life, make a commitment to yourself to choose at least one day of each week that will be your personal day of gratitude. And...I'd like to express my appreciation by thanking you for reading this :)
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
