Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
In this episode of "In the Den With Dr. Jenn," Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, puts on her sociology hat with her relationship counselor hat, and asks you to consider the motivations behind hook-ups.
SEXUAL FUN FACT
How are Germans, vodka, and tampons all connected?
Special Den SEX-TION
What's in a sex therapist's email box?
I can handle your telling me
what I did or didn't do.
And I can handle your interpretations
but please don't mix the two.
If you want to confuse any issue,
I can tell you how to do it:
Mix together what I do
with how you react to it.
Tell me that you're disappointed
with the unfinished chores you see,
But calling me "irresponsible"
is no way to motivate me.
And tell me that you're feeling hurt
when I say "no" to your advances,
But calling me a frigid man
won't increase your future chances.
Yes, I can handle your telling me
what I did or didn't do,
And I can handle your interpretations,
but please don't mix the two."
~Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Even with our best intentions when communicating in an intimate relationship, we often speak or listen from judgement and conflict. Social psychological research shows us that people do not like to feel attacked or blamed. They get defensive. They might lash back. And then we lash back. This can create a cycle of anger, self-righteousness, and irrationality. Marshall Rosenerg's quote above speaks to the value in separating observation from interpretation. This is a powerful first step to start breaking unhelpful cycles in a relationship.
When broaching a painful or upsetting topic, first state the facts you observed, without any other meaning attached. Be careful not to use any "loaded" language, but just state the objective facts. Then state how you interpreted it (i.e., what it meant to you) and how you felt about it. Although we often conflate observation and interpretation, they are quite separate entities. Making this separation allows you to own your emotions and reactions, without making them "facts" about what occurred. This gives your partner the space to hear you, with less chance of defensiveness.
Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling
~Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego~
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Do you allow yourself to "be with" negative emotions, or do you put on a strong front and plow through them? Dr. Jenn was interviewed by a Chicago journalist about this topic, as we head into spring.
Read the article by journalist Rachel Curtis at the Examiner.
Sex Coaching & Relationship Counseling in San Diego
In this episode of "In the Den with Dr. Jenn", Chef Jenn stops by to cook a vegetarian curry dish to spice up your sex life. The two Jenn's discuss how cooking together can improve a relationship.
SPECIAL GUEST:
Chef Jenn Felmley
www.chefjenncooks.com
SEXUAL FUN FACT:
Dr. Jenn and Chef Jenn discuss the most romantic and sexiest restaurants in San Diego.
SPECIAL DEN SEX-TION:
8 Commandments of Sex and Food
How high is your "erotic intelligence"? Spicy Suzy stops by Dr. Jenn's Den to discuss question of erotic intelligence and how to improve your EQ.
SPECIAL GUEST:
Spicy Suzy
SEXUAL FUN FACT:
Ancient Romans and menstrual cycles
WHAT'S THAT WORD:
Coprophilia
Complain. Bitch. Moan.
It’s easy to do this when we’ve been in a relationship for a while. We may take the positive things for granted and just expect them to be there. We are programed as animals to notice what is not working because this keeps our focus on survival. But how many of us just want to be surviving our relationships?
It feels a lot better to be focused on thriving. And when we focus on what’s working, it also gives us hope.
Try focusing on what is working instead of what is not working. This strengths-based approach lets you see what you’re already good at and realize that there is a lot of foundation to build on. Do an activity with your partner where you both choose several strengths (a minimum of three) that you have in life and/or in your relationship. Such strengths could include clear communicator, humor, honesty, creativity, or perseverance. Now think about how you can each expand your strengths to other areas that you may be struggling in. Often what works well in some areas will work well in others, if you can creatively expand it. Also, being positive instead of negative has been found in research to expand our capacity for inventive solutions. This is a powerful tool to break through feeling stuck in your relationship and move to thriving.
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
