Stop Talking! And Start Communicating...

“Have you mentioned this concern to your wife?” I ask.
“No – any time I try, she gets very defensive. We just can’t talk about things like this,” my client responds despondently.

We all have topics in relationships that are difficult to discuss. It can be tough to find the right words to talk about sex, intimacy problems, and relationship needs in a productive way. But once a topic becomes taboo in communication, it takes on a life of its own. If the lines of communication break down, this can breed distrust, secrets, resentments, and disconnection.

My suggestion? If you can’t speak it, write it! Although there are many forms of writing (e.g., emails, letters) I particularly like having a special journal. This is a place where your relationship can continue to grow and flourish, even amidst uncomfortable and heated topics. Choose a journal that you both agree is sacred to your deepest topics and a safe location to keep it. Then also choose a playful or attractive item to place on top of the journal, to indicate that a discussion has started within that requires a response. This could be a stuffed animal, a toy, a flower, or anything that feels safe and nice. In this way, you can completely avoid spoken words around the taboo topics.

How you write in the journal is also very important. Here are some suggestions to safely open the lines of communication:

1. Explicitly state that you understand these are difficult topics and you don’t mean to make him/her feel uncomfortable or defensive. Acknowledge that you understand if s/he does feel that way and you’re sorry for the discomfort.
2. State your thoughts and concerns clearly and concisely. Speak about how you feel. Be responsible and accountable for your feelings and your part in the current circumstances, and avoid blaming your partner for everything.
3. Be proactive and offer a few ideas or suggestions of how to move through this tough topic. Write that these ideas are up for negotiation, so your partner knows s/he has a voice in creating compromise.
4. End with 3 questions to help prompt a reply and direct the discussion towards clarity and authenticity.

Place the chosen indicator item on the journal and move on with your day. Agree ahead of time as to what length of time each person has to respond (1 day? 3 days?). This method won’t solve all your concerns and taboo topics overnight, but it does allow for movement through stagnation, and a potential path forward.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Love Wood vs. Morning Wood

Many years ago, back in Pennsylvania in a local bar, a male friend intimated that his girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with him in the morning if he woke up with morning wood. She complained, “It’s morning wood, not love wood, and it has nothing to do with me.” Love wood, eh? This became a running joke between my sister and I for years, but this story brings up an important point about individual meanings and motivations for sex.

In 2007, psychological researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that college students identified 237 different reasons why they have sex. This was obviously a very detailed list, such as: The person was a good kisser, I wanted to enhance my reputation, I wanted to feel connected to the person, and I wanted the person to love me. The themes that emerged included physical reasons, goal attainment, emotional reasons, and insecurities. So the motivation for sex could be for a physical release, while other times it is a desire for intimate connection. It could also be for self-validation or as an accomplishment. Sometimes it could be many at once, in the same person. The point is that while we tend to think that our partners should have the same reasons for wanting sex as us, it makes sense that motivations vary from person to person, and through time and context.

If you have a regular sex partner, do you know their motivations for having sex? What about your own? Whether you are in a relationship or single this is a great question to consider when reflecting on past relationships and current sexual encounters. We tend to make a lot of assumptions about why others have sex with us but don’t openly discuss it; this can lead to hurt and misunderstandings. Morning wood might just be a physical reaction and not relevant to the specific bed partner. But a little creativity and communication can make this situation ripe for intimate connection as well. I suggest, either alone or with a partner, writing down as many reasons you can think of for why you have sex, in the four categories of physical, goals, emotional, and insecurities. No doubt you will glean some personal insights into your erotic patterns and growth!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

The value of Journaling for emotional expression

When counseling women and men, I often suggest journaling topics for homework. The topics are usually heavy or uncomfortable emotions, with questions to answer in a free-form writing assignment. Although some folks resist writing activities, I know that it can be a way to use stream of consciousness to tap into hidden beliefs and values. And the process can help get to the core of troubling emotional or behavioral patterns.

One of my specialties in couples counseling is facilitating between the different communication and emotional expression styles that women and men have. I just found the following discussion at About.com on Men's Health and the potential benefit of writing to specifically assist men in expressing emotions:

"A well known psychologist, James Pennebaker, has demonstrated that emotional expressions can benefit health by the simple device of keeping a diary. The diary provides a outlet for emotional expression and not only appears to have a positive emotional effect but improves immune function as well. In fact written emotional expression has been researched in terms of benefits to physical health, physiological functioning and daily living activities; in each case with positive findings. Could the simple act of keeping a diary be a useful compromise for men and bridge the gap between their inability to transmit, receive and manage emotional messages? (Source: adapted from Lee, C & Glynn Owens, R (2002) The Psychology of Men's Health. Open University Press.)"

I think writing a journal for one's own benefit is a powerful access to creativity and emotions. As well, I suggest writing letters to your partner if verbal expression of emotions is difficult for you. This is a great step towards strengthening your self expression and connection.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Ask Dr. Jenn - Get Free Advice in New Facebook Application!

• Interested in bringing creativity to your relationship?
• Adding a kick to your bedroom play?
• Feeling a lift in your daily inspiration?

The new "Ask Dr. Jenn" Facebook application gives you free advice in all three of these areas. If you like the advice, you can post it to your wall for others to see, or post it to a friend's wall to spread the fun suggestions.

Access Ask Dr. Jenn Facebook Application here!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Erotic Play Workshop - Insider Information on Opposite Sex!

Last week I presented an Intimacy & Erotic Play workshop as the final presentation of my Women & Intimacy Series at Tango Wine Company. We had a nice size crowd of 18 participants...and this time they weren't all women. There were two men in attendance, both husbands, and both older than the majority of the women who were in their 20s and 30s. I appreciated having this valuable and different perspective in one of my interactive workshops!

One of the gentleman mentioned afterwards how much he appreciated being able to witness the candid perspectives of so many women. I've been thinking about this since he mentioned it, and thinking about how rare it is to be privy to honest (yet facilitated and educational) perspectives from the other gender. Usually we hear bitching and stereotyping.

If this interests you, you could form your own version of this. For example, ask a few men who are willing to be honest, respectful, and deep, to form a panel to answer predetermined questions about dating, relationships, sex, and women (such as, What is the most frustrating aspect of dating women? or What is the most amazing thing about being with a woman?). Then gather your women friends to sit quietly to listen and learn.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

If you've experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won't be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lackluster sex life:

1. What does having sex mean to you?
2. What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write "mean," I'm referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, "What does it mean? It means I'm just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work." Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren't being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a "sexless" marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

When sex is "missing" in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best "quick fix" I can recommend.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego