Last night I hosted my monthly free Coed Coffee Chat. This month's topic was: What is Intimacy? How Can it be Improved?

I was really impressed with the depth of insights and sharing from the group of 12 women and men, most of whom had just met for the first time. As we made our initial round of introductions, we each stated why this topic piqued our interest. This sharing alone offered fascinating insights into the complicated and varied perceptions of the meaning of intimacy. For some, intimacy is something created with a partner who can be trusted with our fragile vulnerabilities. For others, intimacy is something that can be created with many people, from an intense eye gazing with a stranger, to a group of women supporting and loving one another. Is sex part of intimacy? Absolutely, if you want it to be. Sex can be a powerful pathway to intimacy and transcendence. But it is not necessary for intimacy.

Although we began the meeting with different understandings of what intimacy means, there seemed to be consensus that keys to true intimacy are
open communication and a willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. Yes - vulnerability. Perhaps a terrifying word for some, yet the key to loving ourselves and allowing others in for blissful intimacy.

AND...I learned a new clever way to think about intimacy: In To Me You See.
Cool!

*The photograph here is part of a fine art photography series of the sensual contours of the earth, Earth Erotica, by Heather Firth. She attended this month's discussion on Intimacy and shared her wisdom!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

If you're living in San Diego, check out the new Meetup.com group I just started to promote healthy sexuality, happy relationships, and open discussions around intimacy.
Click here:
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

In Session #63 of In the Den with Dr. Jenn released last October, I spoke about the politics of breast cancer. Although I don't have a podcast session this fall on the topic, I would like to reiterate how important I think it is to "Think Before You Pink."

There are so many products with pink ribbons on them. Breast Cancer Awareness is the "darling" of corporate American because it makes the corporations look like they care about our mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends. It's an incredibly powerful emotional marketing ploy. While a SMALL portion of what you pay for the product may go to breast cancer research, I think it's very important to know where the money is being directed, how it's being used, and whether the company produces products that could be CONTRIBUTING to the increase in breast cancer (e.g., environmental toxins, increased estrogen-like ingredients and additives).

I appreciate the work of Breast Cancer Action because they direct their attention and research funds towards prevention. And they offer a lot of helpful educational information on their web site!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

There are so many sexuality-related topics relevant to this November's election, such as marriage equality (i.e., gay marriage), reproductive rights (i.e., abortion), comprehensive sex education, health insurance, HIV/AIDS prevention.

Are the rights around these topics important to you? If yes, please make sure you are registered to vote. Depending on your location in the country, the deadline to register may have passed, but some areas are still open. I think this YouTube video called "5 Friends Vote" by a bunch of Hollywood stars is a poignant and cleverly entertaining way to encourage folks to register to vote, and give them the online link to find out how!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

Are there parts of your sexuality that you dislike, judge harshly, or deny? Have you ever had the sense that the more you try to deny these parts of who you are, the more they run you? You may also find yourself judging those same characteristics harshly in others.

In the October issue of Vision Magazine, I wrote an article about the nature of shadow sexuality and the beauty in shining a light on our shadows. The following is the first paragraph of the article. Click on the link below if you would like to read the entire article!

In a society with an inclination to plaster sexual images everywhere, sex is still very much in the shadows. Sexuality is often laden with shame, embarrassment, guilt, judgment, and stigma, so its shadows can be heavy and frightening. It is imperative to address the shadows of sex to see it is a natural human experience, as well as a powerful force. When such a topic is mired in silence and misconceptions, it can lead to many personal and societal problems, such as abuse and exploitation. The politicians and religious leaders brought down by public sex scandals are perfect examples of individuals whose shadow elements have surfaced in unhealthy ways.

Read the rest of "The Shadows of Sexuality" in Vision Magazine.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

"Where did the condom go?"
"Uh...I dunno."

Has this ever happened to you?
This happened to a friend of mine just last week.
She dug around inside her vagina. He dug around inside her vagina. She jumped up and down. She did pilates. She ended up going to Planned Parenthood to have the condom removed.

Where did it go? Well, you can't actually "lose" anything inside your vagina, because it is only a few inches long and the cervix is at the far end, blocking entrance into the uterus. However, the cervix is at the top and to the side of the vaginal canal, and things can get tucked next to the cervix. If a condom is compacted and warmed to body temperature, it can feel a lot like the folds of the vagina when digging around. But I think just knowing that a condom can't actually get lost inside the vagina is helpful.

What to do if this happens to you?
Put one or two fingers inside your vagina as far as possible and gently feel around for the rim of the condom. Be patient and not frantic. Or, sit on the toilet or squat down and bear down like you're going to the bathroom. If nothing works to remove it, then do go see a medical professional to have it removed.

How to avoid?
Condoms do come in different shapes and sizes, so you can ensure a snug but comfortable fit. Make sure it it rolled all the way to the bottom of the penis. If you are using lube inside the tip for added pleasure, make sure it's only about a dime-sized amount. Hold onto the condom when pulling out. And if the penis is getting softer at any time, be aware that the condom could slip off!

What are the potential consequences?
If there was an exchange of fluids, which is likely in this situation (i.e., precum, semen, vaginal secretions, blood) then the risk for transmitting STDs/STIs is present. The skin-to-skin contact also allows for transmission of certain STDs/STIs such as herpes or HPV. As well, if you are using condoms for birth control, having precum or semen in your vagina is risky.

There is emergency contraception that can reduce the risk of pregnancy for up to 120 hours after intercourse. This is basically a very high dose of birth control pills, so potentially expect some side effects for a couple days. As far as STDs/STIs, pay attention for anything different in odor, discharge, or appearance around your genitals. However, many STIs do not have visible symptoms, so get yourself checked out!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

I passed an interesting billboard driving into Pacific Beach the other day. It's for the online sexual health service InSpot.org. At InSpot.org you can notify by email people you've been sexually active with if you get diagnosed with an STD.

I like the idea. It's about taking responsibility for caring for the health of others you have been with, while also taking into account the stigma and embarrassment around discussing such topics. You can choose from one of six email postcards, and then fill in the online form. The postcards can be sent with your email address or anonymously. One thing I noticed is that in the drop-down menu to choose your STD, there are only choices of bacterial or parasitic infections, not viral. I'm wondering if they made this choice because of the difference in potential severity of the STDs, and that getting an email saying - "Hey, I just diagnosed with HIV. You might want to get it checked out" - might not be the best way to hear such news.

I'm curious whether it will actually be successful and impact communication around STDs, or if it will turn into late night drunken joke email postcards sent to friends. But for now, I think it's a valuable service.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com