I was watching the news Thanksgiving night. The reporter was outside Target and Best Buy interviewing soon-to-be shoppers, camped out in their tents for the night. They wanted to be the first people in line at 4am when the stores opened for Black Friday.

The next day I watched a brief interview with a Buddhist scholar. He stated that the unifying religion of America is consumerism.

And the following day at a tasty home-made brunch, I had an insightful conversation with an elementary school teacher and mother about the values of materialism she witnesses at a young age.

Although the link between consumerism and my work in relationships and sex may not be immediately apparent, I think the values, priorities, and escapism are intimately linked. As a nation we strive to acquire more possessions. Shopping when we feel down is called “retail therapy.” After September 11 we were instructed to be good Americans or good New Yorkers by buying more things and spending more money.

This focus on the superficial keeps us constantly striving to fill a void that can never be satisfied in such a way. There is always more to want. There is always a reason to seek out a new (i.e., younger, wilder, richer) partner through the grass is greener lens. There is always something stimulating to distract us from uncomfortable emotions and difficult personal growth. This can keep us diverted from the present moment and the relationships we could be nurturing.

If I can offer one suggestion during this holiday season, it is to question what makes you happy, and how you can strive for a depth of fulfillment in your life and your relationships. At the end of our lives, I really do believe it is the quality of the deep connections we had with others that truly matters. So where can you make a shift this December from spending money to spending quality time? How can you be creative with your gift-giving, and give the gift of joyful presence? Who can you positively impact with the generosity of your energy and beautiful spirit? Perhaps it could be a friend, partner, parent, sibling, neighbor, or child. I think any shift in perspective here will reduce the focus on stress, money, and possessions, and redirect to lasting feel-good connections.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

--> Interested in bringing creativity to your relationship?
--> Adding a kick to your bedroom play?
--> Feeling a lift in your daily inspiration?

The new "Ask Dr. Jenn" Facebook application gives you free advice in all three of these areas. If you like the advice, you can post it to your wall for others to see, or post it to a friend's wall to spread the fun suggestions.

Access Ask Dr. Jenn Facebook Application here!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

Love Your Body Day Expo Educates Women About Body Image and Holistic Health

San Diego, CA—October 7. A Love Your Body Day event will take place in a Little Italy wine bar and offer a San Diego flair to this national day. Celebrating women, health, and appreciating deeper beauty, the expo on Thursday, October 22, runs 5-8pm at Tango Wine Company (2161 India Street). Local female professionals who specialize in health, fitness, and well being coming from a variety of perspectives will be on hand to teach, offer resources, and entertain.

The NOW (National Organization for Women) Foundation’s Women’s Health Project launched the Love Your Body Day campaign in 1998. This day formed as a national day of action to speak out against advertisements and images of women that are harmful, offensive, and demeaning. Each year on Love Your Body Day women around the country say “no” to twisted beauty standards and hazardous advertisements by holding rallies, speakers, house parties, classroom discussions and more.

This San Diego celebration of Love Your Body Day is a free event to proactively encourage women to honor and appreciate their bodies. Education, activities, and healthy snacks will be available from practitioners addressing women’s holistic health and well being, including nutrition, sex & intimacy counseling, massage, expressive arts therapy, dance, yoga, and acupuncture.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, a sociologist who works as a relationship & intimacy counselor is spearheading this event. To learn more about the event, visit: www.drjennsden.com/LoveYourBodyDay2009. To contact Dr. Jenn, call 858-880-5944 or email Jennifer@drjennsden.com.

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Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

I think bringing a "holistic" perspective to any sexual or relationship topic can bring new energy and life to it. When I use the term holistic, I mean looking at the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual components.

Last night I was able to bring this perspective to helping people boost their libidos through an interview I did with reporter Nadine Toren of San Diego Fox 5 News. Check out the clip below!
 

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

Last week I presented an Intimacy & Erotic Play workshop as the final presentation of my Women & Intimacy Series at Tango Wine Company. We had a nice size crowd of 18 participants...and this time they weren't all women. There were two men in attendance, both husbands, and both older than the majority of the women who were in their 20s and 30s. I appreciated having this valuable and different perspective in one of my interactive workshops!

One of the gentleman mentioned afterwards how much he appreciated being able to witness the candid perspectives of so many women. I've been thinking about this since he mentioned it, and thinking about how rare it is to be privy to honest (yet facilitated and educational) perspectives from the other gender. Usually we hear bitching and stereotyping.

If this interests you, you could form your own version of this. For example, ask a few men who are willing to be honest, respectful, and deep, to form a panel to answer predetermined questions about dating, relationships, sex, and women (such as, What is the most frustrating aspect of dating women? or What is the most amazing thing about being with a woman?). Then gather your women friends to sit quietly to listen and learn.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

If you've experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won't be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lackluster sex life:

1) What does having sex mean to you?
2) What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write "mean," I'm referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, "What does it mean? It means I'm just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work." Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren't being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a "sexless" marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

When sex is "missing" in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best "quick fix" I can recommend.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com

Jim Boylan knew there was something odd happening when he snuck into the extra bedroom to try on his mom and sister’s dresses. But he had to do it. However, as She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders illustrates, being a man who knows he is a woman, in his heart and soul, is only partly about dressing fancy in heels and make-up. It’s a piece of the puzzle, but one that does little justice to the complexity of this topic.

Some of my sociological learning was that women and men are fundamentally the same (despite having different genitals and reproductive systems). We only seem so different as women and men because we are socialized that way. I whole-heartedly agree that a large part of gender is socially constructed, but stopping the argument there does not advance our understanding.

There seems to be something(s) that structure the male and female brain differently, and our socialization tends to amplify these differences (and sometimes creates artificial differences). The wiring of the brain, underlying structure, and hormone amounts and receptors seem to push us in a direction that ends up being interpreted as male or female. I think it is here that explains why some folks identify as transgender, despite their physical attributes to the contrary. They feel like they have the “brain” of the other gender. Some, like Boylan, describe it as the soul of the other gender. But if we lived in a society that allowed for great flexibility in expression of gender and didn’t stigmatize “feminine” males and “masculine” females, this might not be experienced as such a disorienting juxtapositioning of brain, body, and soul.

Jennifer Finney Boylan is an author with a wonderfully smooth and entertaining style of writing. She’s Not There is her memoir which concludes at age 45 with her transition to living fully as a woman. It’s incredibly poignant and honest – the good, the bad, and the ugly – but the humor carries you along.

If you ever wondered what it was like to view the world as a transgendered person, how relationships can endure such a shift, the impact on children, family, friends, and colleagues, what it’s like to experience the world as both a man and a woman, and the value of unwavering love and support, you will find the answers in this powerful book.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
~Inspire Your Passion~
www.drjennsden.com