(Read the previous blog called "What Are Your Sex Buttons?") before reading this follow-up blog :)
The images in Day Two of the SAR (Sexual Attitude Reassessment) definitely challenged me more than Day One. I found it interesting to be mentally and psychologically 'okay' with a sexual act and not morally judgmental of it, but still have a visceral reaction of nausea. I had this reaction when watching a video of a chained-up man in leather having a fist shoved up his ass (gratefully a lot of lube was used!). All my holes wanted to close up tight. I don't doubt that some folks can experience pleasure from such activities; I just realized that I don't have the stomach for it (and probably not the anus, either!).

The next video in this BDSM series starred a young blond woman who was willingly subjected to spankings with resultant welts, and needles through her nipples. She spoke afterwards, through disconnected, starry eyes, about the high she felt from the humiliation of submission and pain. This turned my stomach. In the group processing, I stated my ambivalence of maintaining a very open-minded stance on choice around sexual activities and paths to pleasure, while also integrating my growing understanding of holistic health and body/mind/spirit work (which focuses on balance, self-love, and uncovering layers of consciousness). This is something I will be doing more research on.

Our last topic of the SAR was fantasies. Each member of our small group anonymously wrote: 1) What fantasy they have acted out; 2) What fantasy they would like to act out; and 3) What fantasy they have but do not want to ever act out. Our facilitator read them aloud and despite being anonymous, the fantasies were more tame than I anticipated. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the sense of freedom in witnessing the inner thoughts of my fellow participants. But sorry - I'm not going to share my fantasies here ;)

As a final note, I was lucky enough to have a great small process group, some of whom I have continued to hang out with at the AASECT conference. We have running jokes about fisting, hot tubs, strap-ons, fantasies, and being "professionally aroused." It's great to be in a context where it's quite normal to joke about topics like these!

What pushes your buttons in the sexual realm?
Why? And what meaning does that have for you?

This is the gist of the 2-day SAR (Sexual Attitude Reassessment) I'm attending in New Orleans right now, as a pre-conference seminar at the AASECT annual conference (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists). The point is to process our reactions to sexually explicit material so we're better able to serve our clients around a full range of sexual topics. Yes - I'm at sex camp.

Today we watched many videos of women and men masturbating and engaging in various sexual activities -- women with women, men with men, and women with men. After each group of visual clips we jotted down: 1) What did you like/what aroused you? and 2) What was challenging or difficult for you? Then we met in small facilitated groups to process.

I've watched quite a bit of "erotica" in the past for personal interest and professional reasons. I've done this alone, with a partner, and in groups. The "group" viewing today, therefore, did not make me uncomfortable, nor did any of the content. It was just interesting to see what I found more or less arousing. The process group discussions were fascinating, as we joined together from different backgrounds and areas of the country. I think it's always a great experience to speak openly and personally about sex with new people. It challenges my fear of judgment from being vulnerable.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's sessions because I'm sure I'm going to view something that is personally disturbing that I'll get to feel, dig at, and process. I'm hoping for something that blow my mind and gives me a totally new perspective on something sex-related. I don't even know what that means, but I'm hoping. I've heard in the past that some folks experienced SAR's with showings of child pornography and beastiality. I think I would feel a deep, gut reaction of disgust and horror. I assume that it's illegal to show such things now - particularly child porn.

On a complete side note, I was out with a few friends tonight to a less-touristy part of New Orleans, to hang out in a bar and listen to jazz music. I don't even like jazz, but I like bars, and I like getting a taste of being a local in new cities. For the first time ever, I enjoyed jazz music, and I feel like I got it. The band was so dynamic and entertaining; young musicians walked in off the street, trumpets in tow, to join the band for a song; and it was like the people in the bar and band were one. Sure, that may have been the vodka tonics and Louisiana humidity going to my head... but it was a damn cool experience.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Living it up in New Orleans, Baby!
www.drjennsden.com

"True Love Waits"
This is a saying girls can wear on the front and rear of their sweatpants if they shop at KMart.

In light of the popularity of teenage clothing with sayings such as "Sweet Stuff" on rears and "Porn Star" or "Sperm Dumpster" on t shirts (OK, that last phrase was actually a reference to a Family Guy episode ;), I'm not surprised by a backlash to this with abstinence or Christian messages.

I don't agree with the sexualization of girls and teenagers. I think young women learn that their value is in their sexual attractiveness to others and become attached to that attention. This happens way before most girls even have an understanding of what it means to be sexual under their own terms or the big picture around sexuality (i.e., physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual). They learn to perform for others and feel important through the attention, but don't learn who they are or what they want at a deeper, authentic level.

But I'm quite sure that putting alternative "abstinent" messages across breasts or asses is not helping the situation. Because it's still about young women getting value and attention through their bodies. Whether the perceived message is "You can have me" or "You can't have me unless you marry me," they both sexually objectify women and place their self-value and worth in their sexual abilities to attract attention, long before they have explored what sex means to them.

This asinine conservative response is so simplistically dualistic in nature. I grow weary of such ignorance. But it sure makes for great blogging topics!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Female Sexual Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

One of the biggest reasons that I hear about why women in long-term relationships are not interested in sex is because they are tired. In our sleep-deprived, fast-paced, high-stress, technology-driven society, I think this is something to take seriously.

I just heard a bit about a variety of recent research studies about sleep deprivation. Not getting enough sleep can lead to a desire to eat more than your body needs. It can lead to greater susceptibility to negative emotions. And in fruit flies, sleep deprivation led to lowered initiation and drive for sex. Some food for thought...

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Hot Sex & Fun in San Diego!
www.drjennsden.com